humbled.

Blogging has fallen by the wayside since I have arrived here. It would be easy to pretend its because I am too busy but thats not the case. Don't get me wrong. I have been busy but I think the real reason has been because I have been brought up, close and personal, with a lot of feelings and emotions I usually try to ignore and deny.

The yoga is changing me. I am fighting it. I am changing notwithstanding. It seeps under my awareness, somewhere in the sweat of the practise it gets into my pores. I feel it softening me. Its the best way I can describe it. I am calmer. I am learning how to detach from a thought.... not easy for me. I am becoming kinder. Really kinder, not just trying to be kind but actually being it. I am not sure if this makes sense. Its the only way I can describe it.

Everyday in yoga I witness a miracle happening. It's not something anyone could ignore. One of my fellow students on the teacher training had a stroke two years ago and was paralysed down the left side of her body, completely paralysed. She comes to class everyday, twice a day and practises with us. She stands with the wall on her left as she is still not able to support herself and she practises. She trembles. Shakes. Modifies the poses. Slowly and with deliberation she moves the limbs on her left hand side into position. Actually, she grapples them. They resist. She fights harder. I dont think I ever understood the meaning of determination before I saw her practise. Its awe inspiring. She is younger than I am and beautiful. One of those girls who before her stroke would have been intimidating. She says she looks back on it now and says that she needed to be humbled - no one, especially not her deserves what she is experiencing. She humbles all of us everyday. We stand by her in class shoulder to shoulder all of us anxious, wanting to help, afraid that she might fall or hurt herself, but all we can do is watch. Just to be completely clear on the extend of it, she can walk - slowly and dragging one leg - I suspect this is fuellled by pure determination rather than anything else. She can walk upstairs to the studio, but it takes her half an hour. The other day she fell over in class. BOOM! She was on the floor. Ellen rushed over. Terrified. G, the student, looks up at Ellen overjoyed. Ellen is shocked. G says its the first time in two years she had FELT something on the left side of her body. The numbness is retreating.

How can I not change when I am witness to this?

I watched a class for the first time this week and fell asleep through most of it, but woke up at the end when everyone was in Sukasana - corpse pose. It was the friday night class, my favourite one, its a consolidation class, everything you do in the week seems to slide into place within your body and make sense in this class, it always feels very calm and tranquil at the end. This friday night, instead of lying on the floor with everyone else I got to watch. The lights were dimmed, and a roomful of strangers lay with their arms outstretched and hearts skyward. All different. Each with their issues. All with their worrys and concerns. Yet for five minutes all completely vunerable and at peace. It was amazing.

I confess I came here rather cynical about the yoga and what it can do. Everyday that cynicism retreats. On Friday night, I sat there and watched everyone rest and cried like a baby. I am not a cryer - its just not who I am. I couldnt help myself. It is one of the most amazing and beautiful things I have ever seen.

I am incredibly lucky to be here. The miracle of my life that is mexico and yoga unfurls itself infiltrating my heart, asana by asana, guitar chord by guitar cord.