Today was my last day at work. It has been in parts oddly emotional and at other time I have felt very detached. An observer. This probably wasn't assisted by the fact I don't think I have managed more than 5 hours sleep any night this week and was feeling a little worse for wear after last night.
A friend pointed out to me earlier this week when I was whinging about not being able to sleep that its normal in the circumstances to be anxious. (He is in DC and I am in London so his facebook times align nicely with my hours of insomnia.) It as if I have made these huge, momentous changes, and then expected them not to impact me in anyway, not to feel stressed, not to feel anxious, bottom line not to feel scared. Then when I do experience these emotions I am surprised. I know, I know, I type it and it seems ridiculous even to me. We ended up having this momentous chat, which ended with him echoing the lines my father always tells me "Don't be so hard on yourself!". I am strongly considering having this tattooed somewhere on my body, together with "Don't be afraid to ask for help!", of course, to fit in with my new yogaramma outlook I would probably need to get the tattoos in Sanskrit: English would just be too prosaic, although perhaps more effective. [Mummy, before you freak out - I am kidding - sort of....]
What is with that actually, come to think of it, why so often do we have to take something simple and dress it up in a way that better fits how we wish to be perceived rather than sticking to the simple and direct and simply honouring that? When does how we represent something become more significant to us than what we actually do? What drives that? I don't just mean material things... I mean the introduction of the element of suffer... I think. Human nature, right? We have to make problems so we can solve them and then feel better about ourselves....
I digress. Today was my last day at work. How do I feel? I feel tired. Exhausted actually. Hungover. Kind of scared but the tiredness is masking all of that. A little apprehensive about the amazing amount of routine and structure I have removed from my life. I am going to miss the people I have been working with a lot, but I am not actually going to miss the jobs or being part of the struggle that the banking industry will no doubt continue to be for the immediate and medium term future. A bit numb. Its going to take a while to sink in. I am trying to resist spinning into a panic about how the next stage is going to work, deep down I know its going to be fine and I can relax and let it happen. Let's reassess in six months...
Quite funny, I am not sure how much I believe in astrology, but my horoscope for the weekend is pasted below. Serendipity? Or just plain freaky?
Can you earn your living doing something you love? Friday’s moon-Pluto lineup reveals new ways to profit from your talents. Think outside of the 9 to 5 box. While you’re a hands-on person, you only have so many hours in a day. It may be possible to create a product or published materials that can be sold independently of you, allowing you to literally make money in your sleep. On Saturday, the moon and Jupiter meet up in your income house, furthering your desire to explore new work opportunities. Reach out to your social network—particularly the ones far from home as Jupiter rules long-distance alliances. Friends in other cities may provide a golden ticket, even if you’re collaborating remotely from your current home base. Has someone in your life been continually generous with you? This is the weekend where you spring for an in-kind gift to keep the scales balanced.
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