Chaos

Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Its been for various reasons.

I have builders in the house at the moment and it has been turned upside down. The zen den is definitely no longer zen. For any of you that know me, and how ocd I can be about it - it looks like a bomb site. Even sitting here typing is difficult. I want to get up and tidy up, and I cant. The bedrooms and hall are being repainted - the areas of the house where most things are stored, as are the insides of the wardrobes and there is stuff all over the living room. I hate it. I cant start to tidy up as the builders have craftily painted the floors and I cant go in the rooms now. Experiencing the chaos has brought it home to me that I really do care about being in a tidy serene environment. This didn't used to be something that bothered me, at least not as a teenager, but somewhere along the way I have morphed into someone who cant abide clutter or disorder. How did it happen?

Its funny isn't it how we change? We don't even realise it ourselves and real changes happen slowly and gradually. I don't think my mother has understood it yet. I think she still sees me as the teenager who used to make a mess, leave things all over the floor and around the house. I guess that's because that is when she last lived with me and for her it must seem like a sudden change to see me now. In the zen den everything has its place and when her, or my creative cleaning lady, decide to rearrange things or don't put them back where they should be it feels like everything has gone awry. I realise I have developed this habit from having so little free time, not being able to find things immediately feels like such a waste of it, not to mention it often makes the difference between being on time, or not and a precious few extra minutes in bed. Actually, typing this I realise I must seem insufferable but also hand in hand with this tidiness has come a ruthlessness with clutter, or extraneous "things". I don't keep things I don't use. I don't keep stuff for the sake of it. If something is old or damaged or broken or not useful it gets thrown away. This isn't out of wastefulness, although it might seem like an expendable way to live life, I prefer to think of it as a distillation. I keep the essentials. The stuff I need and that means something. I don't want the attachment.

Months ago before I even knew I was going to be making this move I had a ruthless declutter. Boy am I grateful for it now! I guess there is going to be a lot more to come. A lot more stuff I can afford to loose and leave behind. The fact is, if I am not going to take it with me, it clearly doesn't matter to me so I can let it go and get rid of it. Obviously, this is now becoming a metaphor, its not just "stuff" that I will be applying this to, but to every aspect of my life. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing what really matters to me, what comes with me and what I leave behind. I wonder if it will be what I expect...