... and breathe

Today has been my last day in London and never before has I felt further from myself or perhaps closer to all the reasons I need to leave.

I posted earlier that I was looking for some sort of sign. Some sort of affirmation that I am making the right choice. Some sort of reassurance. I was hoping to find that on the Internet (I know, I know, ridiculous beyond belief and I am clearly a complete victim of popular culture.).

Needless to say I didn't find it there. I have found it throughout my day in a million ways. Now especially, the house has been a mad house, last minute packing, not just my bags, but everything, the house, changing bills, updating contacts, everything. My parents have been here and it has been a frenzy. My mother is desperate to get the house packed and is obviously very emotional about that whereas I have been trying to get myself packed. Its been like being, I don't know, mauled(?). I have just found myself upstairs, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, reminding myself to breathe, wondering how I have got there, got here, got to this. I am not the kind of person who finds themselves feeling like this very often. I generally feel I can cope. Situations don't get too much for me. I break them down and do things one thing at a time. Systematically. Today has been too much. I am blogging as I want to shut myself in a dark room and close the door and not be disturbed again until tomorrow morning. I have had enough. I am running a bath and am hoping that that will calm me and soothe me and tell the migraine, which is persistently nudging at my temples asking to come in to stay, to bugger off.

I haven't found the answers or the affirmation or the reassurance I want on the Internet but as I sit here and try to string this out into a coherent thought process, failing probably, I do know this is the right thing to do. I want to be able to recognise myself in the mirror.

To all of you in London. Goodbye. I miss you already. Please come and stay. These are not empty throw-away words. I meant them every time I said them to each of you. Thank you so much for being beyond amazing. For going beyond in everything. For making me laugh when I wanted to cry. For making making my world a happier, more fun one. Unless I have a panic and a freak out, my next post will be from Mexico. Look after yourselves. COME AND STAY.



To you, you don't read this as far as I know, but anyway, to you. I miss you. I yearn for you. Every part of me aches for you today. The part of me that is yours I feel through it's absence and makes me sure it is with you still. You showed me a bigger world. You made me believe in myself more than anyone else. You taught me what it means to be brave. Keep safe please.