OK I am back. Sorry for the two days sans post. I do intend to post everyday however the last two days have been especially draining and although I come up with great blog ideas during the day I (a) don't like them by the time I get home and (b) feel too guilty about doing it at work (Chopper - hope you are reading this and noting how diligent I am being... FYI Chopper is my incredibly cool boss). Plus I have a brilliant excuse... honest!
(Blogging is amazing - even in that sentence I can think of about three things I want to expand on.)
I think the reason I don't like my blog ideas by the time I get home and to bed is because the energy of day inexorably and inexplicably shifts and warps them, and my experience of the day consolidates and by the time I get to blogging time (just before bed) they have either morphed into something completely different or no longer seem relevant. Perhaps I need to experiment with writing at different times of day and see how that affects the blog vibe? There is something about the lull of the night and sitting in bed staring at the screen that is amazing though and part of me is loath to give that up and sacrifice it to a more hectic time. I sort of feel that at this time I get to "put the day to bed" - make sense?
Where was I?
Oh yeah the dog ate my homework....
No my brilliant excuse / what I actually want to talk about... [I have now finished this post and it really didn't go where I thought it would at this point.]
I am really good at rules. I like them. They make me comfortable and safe and as a result I LOVE them - until someone else tries to enforce them - then out comes my defiance - PER CHING!
Things like hanging my clothes a certain way, or following a set routine are really easy for me. I just make it a rule and thereby absolve myself of the responsibility I have for my daily choices. They simplify my world. It has crossed my mind I might do this in relationships too.... Either way, clearly writing a night time blog post could easily become the same thing for me. Another rule I follow. I am conscious that this habit of making things a rule and doing them without thinking about it is a habit I want to break. I want to make more conscious choices about every aspect of my life. Often I think getting into these habits stops me being flexible, stops me making the best choices and perhaps most of all I start of doing something I enjoy, and it eventually becomes an instrument of self flagellation - another should or must - rather than a pleasure.
Does anyone else do this? or I am just the weirdo rocking away humming to myself quietly in the corner? Keen to know.
So (brace yourself as this is the staggering genius of my argument) I didn't post for two days as an exercise in the above and more so, as a way of showing myself some compassion (ahem *cough *splutter).
"Compassion" is a word I so often hear bandied about and its been rearing its head at me all day today. What does it actually mean? Does it mean giving yourself or other people a break? Or is that just letting someone off the hook? Is it a case of not what you do but the way that you do it? Is it a matter of the intent behind the action? Is it case of sometimes stepping up and telling someone the uncomfortable truth they would rather not hear - and if that is the case how can you be sure that its actually motivated by kindness rather than someone just doing something you don't like and you want to make them stop?
I think its something I have to show myself more of. Actually, why do we talk about it that way "showing compassion"? It sounds almost like a visual art. Surely compassion can still be there even if its unseen - or is it something that only becomes valid once its perceived by the person its shown to? I don't think so personally.... but I do feel like there is a certain stigma in our society to be seen by our peers to be compassionate though even if we might not always genuinely feel it (just me again right?).
I am not sure how best to show myself compassion right now: but I am pretty certain building up some lie about not blogging as an exercise in showing my self more of it is NOT the right way to go. I didn't blog because I didn't want to - end of. Perhaps not allowing myself (and you) the luxury of that lie is the first step in actually being compassionate with myself. Perhaps the real compassion is in the honesty?
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