Please tell me a story.

I seem to be in a funny head space this evening. I don't really know what I want to write about. Lets see what comes up.
As you know, because I have been whinging about it, I haven't been feeling very well and today has been a bit of a culmination of that combined with trying to get ready to leave and sorting the house out. I have also been reading a wonderful book which is a form of complete and utter escapism. One of the huge positives of being an only child is that I am able to completely immerse myself in fiction and imaginary worlds. The only downside is they often become more interesting than real life. This one is certainly more interesting than touching up the woodwork around the house which has left me firmly planted in reality with paint encrusted in my hair and splodges over my arms and hands. It's a strong look.

I went in to Liberty's today, which is one of those places I will truly miss, its such a gem and no where else in the world is there a department store that compares. Everything in there is a miniature work of art and unique. I bought some beautiful note books in different shades of azure blue that remind me of the colours of the sea at X-puha to use to jot down ideas and draw. Its feeling like its getting closer to time to commit to putting things on paper, rather than playing with the ideas, and shifting them, reversing them, turning them upside down and shaking them in my head. Anyway, whilst I was paying I got talking to a couple of the members of staff. Any of you who know me are probably despairing at this quintessentially Anna behavior of speaking to anyone on the street for hours as if I have known them forever. Its a habit combined with my one of inviting strangers to join me and my friends if they are eating alone that has got me into a lot of trouble. One that used to enrage an ex-boyfriend of mine - but that's a whole other story. Sometimes however, it works brilliantly. I was telling them my plans and my ideas and they mentioned that Liberties runs the "Best of British Design Open Call" and that I should consider presenting to them when I am ready.

Its basically a forum for up and coming British designers to get advice and support from experts on how best to nurture their ideas with the best ones being stocked in Liberty. What a wonderful idea right? Whilst I am not sure this is something I want at the start, I am very keen to market the bikinis via word of mouth and if I can establish some rather unique distribution channels, I do think this could be really interesting in the longer term. Good information to have. Also brilliant to see large organisations keen to support local designers and talent. To think that if I hadn't got chatting to the sales staff I wouldn't have heard about this. So there ex-boyfriend!

(Ooooo look here is the post....) I speak to people like this because I am a sucker for a story. Hearing somebody's story is my idea of heaven. The same way I love speaking to strangers I love asking couples, especially elderly ones, the story of how they met. It's probably my favourite question. (Please lets not examine my codependency issues right now?). You see these people, who seem so settled and perhaps often slightly doddery and infirm and they transport you to their youth and these moments of extreme seething passion and feeling. Its amazing.
These experiences transcend, we all have them in common, we are all "living the human experience", but we only understand we are not alone in our experiences if we talk, if we communicate, if we tell our story and of course if we are able to listen to other peoples. Perhaps the human experience is in the sharing?

31 DAYS TOMORROW!!!!

Today it dawned on me that one month tomorrow I will be leaving on a plane to Mexico to start my new life. Obviously this is something I knew. I mean I have decided and been planning to make this move, but somehow I didn't expect it to be one month away quite so soon. It was a bit of a shock. I still feel so unready and I am certain the next month is going to be a whirlwind. 31 DAYS!

There is that wonderful saying, "life is what happens when you are busy doing other things" and this is very much what my experience of being in London has been like. I have worked hard, very hard at times, partied a bit, made amazing friends, laughed and cried and loved and lost and my life has passed. How much have I actually lived and been conscious of living? Sorry that sounds so up my own ass... I think what I am actually trying to say is I wonder how much of the past six years I was actually in the present, in the now, rather than worrying about an event in the past or a possible outcome in the future. Not very much I don't expect. Its funny how we do that? Almost as if being present is too much of a burden? Too difficult? Too real? Actually I can remember very few of the things I have worried about - they clearly never really mattered or had any real bearing on anything at all. I wonder at all the things I might have achieved if I hadn't been wasting my time worrying...

What would it cost me to try to let this habit go? Oh my goodness the irony, clearly I should stop worrying that is only 31 days to go. If my above statement is correct it doesn't really matter and wont have any bearing on anything. I have made a choice. I know its the right one. I need to have faith, get on with it and stop worrying!!!

Practise. Practise. Practise.

I am sick. Or getting sick and have been at work today spending most of the day feeling like I want to pass out. You think perhaps my body is trying to tell me something?

I am physically and emotionally exhausted and not sleeping very well. I need to rest and regroup. Part of me feels like this might not be possible until I get to Mexico and leave some of the stuff behind. I feel like I have a lot of background noise in my subconscious right now. Make any sense? I cant wait for my life to become a little simpler.

This week I realised how many things I would love to have in my life but that have been on hold as a result  of living and being in London. I can get a puppy if I want, for example, not suggesting for the moment that I am going to do this, but the point is I will have the option and the time. It's something I wouldn't feel able to do if I carried on with my life here - it wouldn't be fair on the dog, and suddenly now its an option. It has made me realise there are literally hundreds of things I haven't been doing that I would like to do because the don't work with my current life. The realisation that I am now able to choose again is incredible. Things I had even forgotten or blocked out that I wanted.

Someone spoke to me this week about synchronicity, and it does feel like the more I am following my heart on what to do the more things are melding together and aligning. Parts of my life are tying together and even the people I am meeting and speaking to, well the group is evolving to include more and more kindred spirits. Its amazing to observe and gives me, I don't know, gives me hope? Maintains my faith? It gives me something pretty awesome anyway.

I don't know if as a reader there are recurring themes in this journey to you so far but it feels like there are some to me and I kind of want to regroup them here, not just because my brain is fried but also because I do feel like I am achieving something by writing this and I want to highlight the different topics and perhaps more importantly, note the ones I am avoiding(?) Intention and belief being the biggest one and the one that I think I am going to be tested on the most in the coming year. Letting go and moving on. Admitting when something isn't working and being prepared to change. Compassion and honesty - which this week has been more about me vocalising my feelings clearly than anything else. Friendships, relationships, love and communication in general. Balance. The biggest one I haven't touched on, not really in any event, faith.

Like the yoga, for all of these things I just need to PRACTISE. Keep the intention and keep practising.


Like the first yoga sutra Atha Yoganushasanam with translated means: 
Atha - now, Yoga - science of Yoga, Anushasanam - Discipline or set of instructions 


OR 
Now, (start with) the discipline of yoga. 

It's not a circle it's a star.

I am making big changes in my life. This no longer feels like a choice or an option, but absolutely the thing to do. I am scared. I am nervous but I am excited and I can't wait. I want to see how it all pans out. The other side of this is these changes have been prompted by several causes. I have had three very difficult years at a personal level and as this time has passed it has been increasingly clear to me who supports me when I need it and frankly who doesn't. The people who are in my life who give to me as much as I give to them, the people who give me more and the ones I give more to. Most of the time I am incredibly supportive of others and try to be there for everyone as much as possible however, at times, when I wobble,  I just cant and at those times it always becomes very clear to me who it is who really supports me. Its often not who I expect nor how I expect. To those of you that do I am eternally grateful. Thank you.

I think we all struggle with this, and as we get older it becomes clearer that we look for quality not quantity in the relationships we have. There seems to be a misconception that friendships should always be equal. Sadly this isn't the case, some friendships (like the animals in Orwell's animal farm) are more equal than others. Of course the beauty of all relationships is that they are dynamic: at one time one of us gives a little more; at another time the other does. But we all know someone, who no matter what, it always comes back to them. I feel for these people I really do, and I am very aware that with some of you I do it myself. Kate, you are my beacon of hope. Always. It is something I have struggled with understanding until another fabulous friend of mine explained "its not a circle, its a star but at the end of the day it balances out". Some people will give you more, others you will give more to, but at the end of the day it evens out and effectively you are just paying it forward.

I was going to post more, but actually I like this thought to end on. Everyone shining like stars. So cheesy but kinda nice.

My yoga teacher posted something lovely today, and it seems appropriate here, for everyone I can be sure of.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh. "Pooh" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”

TINY POST IN WILD EXCITEMENT

One of my favourite bloggers Katherine Jenkins is now a follower of my blog. I have been addicted to her blog Lessons from the Monk I married for some time now. AMAZING!!! Have had to have a pre bed dance around the room :)

Steve - this one is for you - enjoy your coffee!!! and I hope you have an amazing day!

OK I am back. Sorry for the two days sans post. I do intend to post everyday however the last two days have been especially draining and although I come up with great blog ideas during the day I (a) don't like them by the time I get home and (b) feel too guilty about doing it at work (Chopper - hope you are reading this and noting how diligent I am being... FYI Chopper is my incredibly cool boss). Plus I have a brilliant excuse... honest!

(Blogging is amazing - even in that sentence I can think of about three things I want to expand on.)

I think the reason I don't like my blog ideas by the time I get home and to bed is because the energy of day inexorably and inexplicably shifts and warps them, and my experience of the day consolidates and by the time I get to blogging time (just before bed) they have either morphed into something completely different or no longer seem relevant. Perhaps I need to experiment with writing at different times of day and see how that affects the blog vibe? There is something about the lull of the night and sitting in bed staring at the screen that is amazing though and part of me is loath to give that up and sacrifice it to a more hectic time. I sort of feel that at this time I get to "put the day to bed" - make sense?

Where was I?

Oh yeah the dog ate my homework....

No my brilliant excuse / what I actually want to talk about... [I have now finished this post and it really didn't go where I thought it would at this point.]

I am really good at rules. I like them. They make me comfortable and safe and as a result I LOVE them - until someone else tries to enforce them - then out comes my defiance - PER CHING!
Things like hanging my clothes a certain way, or following a set routine are really easy for me. I just make it a rule and thereby absolve myself of the responsibility I have for my daily choices. They simplify my world. It has crossed my mind I might do this in relationships too.... Either way, clearly writing a night time blog post could easily become the same thing for me. Another rule I follow. I am conscious that this habit of making things a rule and doing them without thinking about it is a habit I want to break. I want to make more conscious choices about every aspect of my life. Often I think getting into these habits stops me being flexible, stops me making the best choices and perhaps most of all I start of doing something I enjoy, and it eventually becomes an instrument of self flagellation - another should or must - rather than a pleasure.

Does anyone else do this? or I am just the weirdo rocking away humming to myself quietly in the corner? Keen to know.

So (brace yourself as this is the staggering genius of my argument) I didn't post for two days as an exercise in the above and more so, as a way of showing myself some compassion (ahem *cough *splutter).

"Compassion" is a word I so often hear bandied about and its been rearing its head at me all day today. What does it actually mean? Does it mean giving yourself or other people a break? Or is that just letting someone off the hook? Is it a case of not what you do but the way that you do it? Is it a matter of the intent behind the action? Is it case of sometimes stepping up and telling someone the uncomfortable truth they would rather not hear - and if that is the case how can you be sure that its actually motivated by kindness rather than someone just doing something you don't like and you want to make them stop?

I think its something I have to show myself more of. Actually, why do we talk about it that way "showing compassion"? It sounds almost like a visual art. Surely compassion can still be there even if its unseen - or is it something that only becomes valid once its perceived by the person its shown to? I don't think so personally.... but I do feel like there is a certain stigma in our society to be seen by our peers to be compassionate though even if we might not always genuinely feel it (just me again right?).

I am not sure how best to show myself compassion right now: but I am pretty certain building up some lie about not blogging as an exercise in showing my self more of it is NOT the right way to go. I didn't blog because I didn't want to - end of. Perhaps not allowing myself (and you) the luxury of that lie is the first step in actually being compassionate with myself. Perhaps the real compassion is in the honesty?

As usual today I had lots of great moments thinking about things I wanted to post about. Obviously now I am having trouble deciding...

I met a cool girl who loved the bikini idea in Sweaty Betty and spent some time discussing how I want to make high end bikinis with less fabric than a chintz sofa that don't look like you should be in a porno and you still feel like you can do stuff in without running the risk of slipping out of them. I want them to cater to a more cosmopolitan market than the Fulham and Balham nappy valley favourite Heidi Klein - bikinis that European women would also consider buying.  Not that HK don't do a great job - they do and have completely revolutionised swimwear for a portion of the uk population as well as making the shopping experience far more pleasurable with their lovely stores and changing rooms that don't make you look like some sort of battery farmed poultry as you try things on. Its just that I want to do something different. Everyday the concept and idea of what I want to so solidifies and crystallises in my head a little more. Becomes a little more concrete and a little more real. Its very exciting. I have started to think colours and actual points of the design but I think whats most important to me is that feel good on, are super comfortable and super flexible and give whoever is wearing them confidence and lots of different options in how they wear them. I want to build in the slights of eye that detract from the areas we all like a little less and enhance the ones we like a little more. Watch this space.

I got out of bed this morning hurting in places I didn't know could hurt (or had forgotten). I have missed Ellen yoga. Today has been an interesting day as the yoga I did yesterday has settled and been absorbed by my body. Actually, my body is screaming for another class. Roll on September 1st.... My legs feel about 5 inches longer and my ass - well that's just a whole new level of ache. It's good but has brought up a lot of different emotions and feelings and somehow today I have been sucked into them a little more rather than just being able to observe them.

One of the saddest things I think is how when a relationship breaks down communication that previously would have been so natural and easy becomes more complicated and less straight forward. I have been thinking about this a lot today. Not sure if this was something that came up for me because of the Yoga or not but its been glaring at me in the face all day. It's to do with speaking to the most wonderful person who has played such a large roll in giving me the courage to embark on this journey and I am incredibly grateful to them for that, but we seem to be at a point where what we are choosing not to say speaks more than the words we do say. I wish that wasn't the case as I miss them dreadfully. It's rare, or at least rare for me, to have someone touch my soul and make me want to open up to them. Although I post all sorts of drivel on this it feels much more anonymous to me than actually discussing this with any of you in person and I am actually pretty private and reserved about stuff that really matters to me. But this brings me to another point. Words are incredibly powerful. We often underestimate them so much and I know I for one do not use them nearly mindfully enough. Two events this weekend, both devastatingly sad, have prompted verbal responses that have really touched me.

Firstly the events in Norway. Horrific. We are all Norwegian this week. I have been reading the words of the Norwegian Prime Minister today and they are very poignant and definitely worth a look (below):

“Today Norway was hit by two shocking and bloody and cowardly attacks.
We still do not know who attacked us; much is still uncertain.
But we know that many are dead and injured.
We are all shocked at the evil that has struck us so brutally and so suddenly
This night demands much of all of us.
And the days that follow will demand even more
We are prepared to face up to this.
Norway hangs together during critical times.
We mourn our dead, we suffer with the injured, and we comfort relatives.
This is about attacks on innocent civilians, on young people at summer camp.
An attack on all of us.
I have a message to the people who attacked us, and those behind them.
This is a message from all of Norway:
You will not destroy us.
You will not destroy our democracy nor our quest for a better world.
We are a small nation, but we are a proud nation.
No one shall bomb us into silence or shoot us into silence.
Nothing will frighten us out of being Norway.
This night we will comfort each other, talk with each other, and stand together.
Tomorrow we will show the world that Norway’s democracy grows stronger when it is challenged.
We shall find the guilty and hold them responsible.
The important thing tonight is to save lives, to care for the victims and their loved ones
I would like to state my recognition for the work of the police, the medics,
and all the other people who currently do such formidable work
to help others, healing injures and saving lives.
We must never cease to stand up for our values.
We have to show that our open society can pass this test, too,
And that the answer to violence is even more democracy,
even more humanity, but never naïveté.
”

This is obviously written for a devastating and horrific attack but there are such messages of courage and bravery in his words that I think we (I certainly) could all use a little of them in every aspect of our lives. The message that we should face our fears, and not let them cow us, that we should maintain our values regardless and despite of our fears and our losses, we should become more resolute in our values and uphold them more as a result, that we should show compassion to others, who might be worse off, when we are in these times of difficulty and extend even more humanity as the solution. So true. So simple.

The other thing I have read this weekend that has really moved me and changed the way I view the world a little bit is Russell Brand's essay to Amy Winehouse. It's clearly a touching tribute to a much loved friend from someone who has both witnessed and experienced a similar struggle and is really worth a read. Absolutely beautifully written too. He highlights how badly we deal with addiction as a society, the lack of support and understanding that is given to addicts and their families, and as he points out - there will be a phone call - as the loved one of a person with an addiction you just hope its going to be them, rather than someone else saying its too late. Anyone who has ever has a addict as a friend will know exactly how hard this is and how absolutely heart wrenching it can be to witness especially as the will to recover it has to come from them.

http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/

Now having read through this my opening paragraphs seem so trite, but I guess this whole post comes down to communication. Life is far too short. Beautiful but short. Make the call if you need to make the call. And I hope if you are the person waiting, the person you love calls you.

Shake the dust

http://vimeo.com/9527194

Yoga magic in Paris

So I am back from an amazing day of yoga in Paris with my Mum. Thank you Benny for organising it.

Ellen, my yoga teacher, the best yoga teacher in the world ever ever ever, was there and taught us the most brilliant class. Somehow Ellen always seems to teach the class I need the most. I was hoping we were going to do heart openers today as I thought that was what I needed. Instead we did hips, which I realised the moment she said it was what I needed more than oxygen.

I am not sure how many of you practise yoga, but basically hips are where we store all our emotional hurts and past. It is the deepest practise getting into your hip joints and can bring up a lot of stored emotions and memories. Like Ellen said today, anything from the waist down is effectively shit, by that meaning stuff you need to expel and get rid of (be it quite literally shit, a child, a menstruation or stored emotions), so generally during a hips class you might feel uncomfortable, but afterwards as you have released so much stored waste and toxins you feel much lighter and pretty wonderful.

It was brilliant. The ebb and flow of breath through the sun salutations, the dance of it, and into the deeper asnas. I actually enjoyed some of the hip opener binds (normally I hate them) and managed to do some poses I didn't think I was or would be able to. I didn't feel like I had a huge attachment to doing them or not and for the first time really was able to observe how my body felt and what was going on with it. Result: I did things I wouldn't have thought I could do, and whilst I am writing about them here, I don't really mind that I could do them and wouldn't have minded if I couldn't. The yoga for me today wasn't what I did or didn't do, but rather how I did it. I was present, unattached to the outcome and as a result my soul soared. This was a first for me. I have missed this kind of practise so much and I cannot wait to be able to do it everyday in just over a month.
In this magnificent room in the American Church along the banks of the Seine magic happened today. Thank you to everyone who was there for the alchemy.

We then all went for a boozy Parisian lunch and Mum and I then headed to La Durree for an afternoon of serious macaroon tasting. I LOVE PARIS. I LOVE THE FRENCH. I LOVE THE LANGUAGE. I LOVE THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO LIVE. I LOVED TODAY.

I  was also in awe of Mum today. She has back pain and was operated on a few years ago but she came and threw herself bravely into the yoga class. Ellen's classes are hardcore even if you are well and fit and pain free. Mum practised like a true yogi. Respectfully and mindfully with kindness and with gratitude. I felt very lucky to be able to share it with her and I think we both left reassured that I am doing the right thing by doing the teacher training. Also, and even better and more important, my mothers back pain and pins and needles had disappeared by the end of the class and looking at her this evening she looks completely different. Much more relaxed and positively glowing.

So much brilliant, wonderful stuff happened today I haven't even scraped the surface. Today is going to be a day I remember for the rest of my life. YAY for the yoga magic. I am the only girl who even after an afternoon at La Durree has left Paris with her butt a good five inches higher then when she arrived. Yogarama to you all and good night xxx

Its funny how the moment you know you are leaving a place you start to see it differently and miss it already almost before you go.

Perhaps because it was sunny for almost the first time this year, or perhaps as it was my first summer stroll through the city this evening I found myself loving it and missing it. I will always regret not having been one of those intrepid London warriors - the commuter cyclists - who hiss and whizz through the London streets against the odds. A cult unto themselves. I met a wonderful friend who is always able to make me laugh at myself, the most precious of gifts, for swift drink and then one of my most special and wonderful girlfriends for drinks and dinner. 

Afterwards I walked home, through the city. Along Poultry, down Threadneddle, past the Bank of England and along Moorgate. Even the names sound magical. They transport me to the land of historical novels, Grace Church Street as mentioned in Pride and Prejudice and the Cheap mentioned in every novel about London I think I have ever read. They form part of the mantra that define this city. As I walked along from Moorgate to Old Street I walked past the cemetery there and its pervasive scent of damp and dank sank across the road. Its a smell I associate only with English woodland and seems to carry in it a sense of stillness that moves out and hangs on the busy London street outside, I must go and explore it properly, with a camera, before I go.

Ok, sorry I have been distracted from the blog by a long conversation with Alex about out phat pad in playa and then bikinis for a music festival and bouncing ideas around about what to do for that. Inspiring.

Tomorrow I am in Paris for yoga with Ellen. I cannot wait. Recentering. Much needed, and now to rest. Better post tomorrow I promise.

When you listen amazing things happen... or are we nearly there yet...

I feel like I have two alternative posts tonight.... which one to pick??? One actually still feels a little premature and they are both related... ok here goes, option A!


When you listen and then act amazing things happen.... who knew? On the back of yesterdays post I decided to do a little experimenting.... and test the theory of listening to the message the universe was trying to give me and doing it - rather than my normal MO of waiting until its the only possible option left available. Please lets not examine why I think this is an intelligent MO to use to live my life now... its not the only possible option left - what can I say - old habits die hard...


Anyway, I tested the theory, put aside my ego (some of it anyway - the not so helpful bit that is partly my pride and partly that horrible little voice in my head that says you cant do this, it wont work, you will fall flat on your face) and acted. I showed I had the passion to pay the price as Sheila calls it or Shraddha (faith that you are moving in the right direction) or perhaps it was more a case of Virya (positive energy of ego that is the support for the faith of going in the right direction). Either way it worked. Better than I could have expected. I am a convert. I managed to cause an intention to manifest. AMAZING.


I realise this next year is going to be full of similar challenges, where things wont seem possible, and I will have to fall back on to this technique again and again. I will have to commit to my dreams, understand and appreciate what I am trying to achieve, be prepared to act to uphold these dreams, to be prepared to do things that are new and scary for me and to do things differently... and then I have to hold my focus. It sounds simple. It looks straight forward. After today's experiment I know it isn't. Its hard. Its a matter of doing something when that nasty little voice of fear in your head is screaming at you to do the opposite. But, the return is HUGE.


So here is to learning how to manifest intentions, to learning to listen and act on the feedback you get as the results are amazing. The thing is, once something has manifested the next one appears, therein the beauty... but I do feel a little bit like a child on a car journey wondering - are we nearly there yet....? I want it now.


What can I say, I am a work in progress...

Can you hear me?

I am exhausted. I have just got back from a class in how to use an overlocking machine but I really want to post.


I would strongly urge all of you to try an evening craft or sewing class. A group of women of different generations sitting around a table chatting and sewing was an intrinsic part of our culture for hundreds of years and is now something we never do. I met some great people, amongst others an awe-inspiring 23 year old Katie - going to post the link to her stuff tomorrow - who is a pure artist and free spirit. It also brought back so many personal memories, standing by the kitchen table when I was about 5 with my venetian grandmother explaining to me how to cut cloth, being a child playing with the cloth scraps, and the murmur and hum of conversation and stories as the soundtrack in the background. When is the last time you sat down at a table with a cross generational group of people with no food involved and talked? and a work meeting doesn't count....


Do you ever find that sometimes no matter where you look the universe seems to be trying to give you the same message? Until you, like, GETTIT??? (yeah ok I never pretended this was going to be a blog about enlightenment....)
Wherever I look and wherever I turn I seem to be getting the message how to manifest an intention and to let go of my ego. I got a new yogitoes (anti slip yoga towel that goes on top of your mat to stop you slipping when you practise and get hot and sweaty). It’s a lovely soothing sage green but it came packaged with yoga sutra 1.2 on the package and written on it too. I had no idea about the sutra when I ordered it, but it seems like the perfect thing for me to think about when I practise.

Yoga (to yoke) is the process of uniting the opposites whereby one settles the mind into silence” sutra 1.2

In a wider context this strikes me as being about each of us learning to respect and accept the duality and contradictions of our personalities in order to find peace, rather than suppressing aspects of ourselves on the fallacy that it makes things easier. 

And then I did a search on the Internet and found this

http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11922.htm#1.19

This is the passage that caught my attention which is basically a reiteration of all of Shelia's points on how to manifest an intention, although here they refer to it as the path to self realisation. Some how everything seems to bring me back to this message and I suspect the universe will continue to scream this message at me until I start to listen and do as it suggests. I know. Sorry its a lot to read but I have taken out some of the more yogi bits to make it more manageable.


"Simple, straightforward outline: The five principles and practices in this sutra form a very simple, straightforward outline of the personal commitments needed to follow the path of Self-realization. It is very useful to memorize these five, and to reflect on them often. This five-point orientation works in conjunction with the eight rungs of Yoga introduced in Sutra 2.28.

Shraddha is a faith that you are moving in the right direction. It is not a blind faith in some organization, institution, or teacher. Rather, it is an inner feeling of certainty that you are moving in the right direction. You may not know exactly how your journey is unfolding, but have an inner intuition of walking steadily towards the goal of life. The "faith" of Yoga is not one of "blind faith" as is the case with some, if not most religions. Oral tradition of Yoga suggests that the aspirant not merely "believe" in anything. Rather, it is suggested that one test the ideas in one's own inner laboratory, with the "faith" of Yoga thus being based on direct experience. 
Virya is the positive energy of ego that is the support for the faith of going in the right direction. This energy of virya puts the power behind your sense of knowing what to do. When you are strongly acting on what you know to be your correct path, that is virya. When you feel weak or uncertain, and are taking little action, that is from lack of virya. Virya is that conviction that says, "I can do it! I will do it! I have to do it!"
Smriti is cultivating a constant mindfulness of treading the path, and of remembering the steps along the way. This memory is not a negative mental obsession, but rather, a gentle, though persistent awareness of the goal of life, of faith in your journey, and of your decision to commit your energy to the process. 
Samadhi is intently pursued through the various stages of samadhi already described (1.17-1.18). It means committing to systematically moving through the levels or stages of samadhi, and to using these skills of attention as the tools to discriminate (2.26-2.29) the various forms of ignorance (2.5), and remembering that this is a process of systematically moving through the ever finer levels of our being (3.6).
Prajna is the higher wisdom that comes from discrimination, and this wisdom is assiduously sought through the process of introspection (2.26-2.29), utilizing the razor-sharp tool of samadhi (3.4-3.63.38)."

I guess the real question is what will it take for me to sit up and start to listen? What will the universe have to do to make me listen? I wonder if perhaps this journey and life change is just that - my journey to self realisation? Who knows... 


What does it or would it take to make you listen? Or perhaps the question is what are you trying not to hear?

Confession...

I have an ongoing obsession with "The Good Wife" and I can't quite work out why. I think it might be something to do with Alicia having incredibly clear boundaries or just her general calm in the face of a storm. Perhaps it's just that she represents a role model of a strong successful woman and we have all too few of those in popular culture that aren't either depicted as bitches or incompetent and failing in another area of their lives? and she seems to toe the line of just holding it together, by the skin of her teeth, most of the time... Is that what makes her so easy to relate to? So easy to feel sympathy for? There have been lots of interesting parallels drawn between the series and the real life political wives and scandals that have been exposed this year (examined in much more detail and with more subtlety than I am able to) but I am not sure the sensationalist aspect of the story is what appeals to me: although I agree it makes for more compelling viewing. I think what I see is her struggle to try to do good, to be good, in the face of tremendous odds. This is something we can all relate to after all. Life is tremendous odds. For all of us.

This leads me on nicely to what I really want to talk about (bit new to this blogging thing so am more than a little bit surprised by that). People being good: in fact people being magnificent. What has amazed me since I started telling you all about this crazy idea of mine to move to Mexico and start to design swim wear and have the life I want is how supportive you have all been. Rather than questioning my judgement /sanity etc EVERYONE has been incredibly supportive. ALL OF YOU. Even people who I know have huge big things they are struggling with, having to cope with and deal with and with whom I feel facetious even discussing it with. You know who you are. A few of you have said you hope to do something similar one day, Irene mentioned that I was the first... and I realised for the first time that although I am uprooting myself and moving across the world I have never really felt so surrounded and supported by my friends.

I don't really want to post anymore tonight. I am tired. I am doing a sewing course tomorrow night, and I sort of want that last thought and realisation to sit out there in space and expand and at the same time sink into my bones because it makes me feel like I can do anything. Limitless.

eughhhh...

I have a feeling this might become a much used title to my blog posts... hopefully not...


I spent the day at work coming up with lots of marvellous blog post ideas and things I want to discuss and now am tired and frankly a bit emotional and don't really want to talk about any of it. Also to make matters worse I have told some people about this so now instead of having a monologue with myself and the ether, there might actually be other people reading this (other than my mum - who I think views as her job to point out any grammatical errors I might make and also as concrete proof that my education was a waste of money - but thanks Mummy - I love that you read it). Karma - it clearly exists - after typing the seriously "spoilt brat" preceding sentence the blog went mad and I thought I had lost the whole post - I consider myself duly chastised.


Thank you all for the great feedback by the way. Yes I do need to make the whole blog more "Anna" and exploit the fact that there are no rules with a blog. I hadn't considered it that way before. It strikes me now that the same things I need to do with the blog are the same things I am trying to do with my life. The whole point of this drastic career, location and lifestyle change is to make my whole life a little more "Anna" and a little less rule bound. Is this really how life works? Do we see the changes we need to try to manifest in the big things reflected in all the small things we do too? How terrifying...


So the things I have been thinking about posting today - perhaps to distract myself from what I really feel I need to address - the reasons behind this move - or perhaps to distract myself from committing my business plan to paper... I actually think are pretty interesting and I do want to discuss them, but perhaps not this evening.


My wonderful friend Sheila has been speaking to me about what it means to hold intention. She sent me an amazing email on the subject which I had to read several times for it to start to make sense - not because it was in anyway unclear but (any espians reading this will understand) I clearly have a lot of filters around it. It struck me that manifesting an intention applies to everything we do and in Sheila's email she breaks it down in to five very simple steps. What do these mean to you? What is your interpretation of them? I am curious...

1. passion to pay the price
2. the right perspective
3. willingness to enter the unknown
4. willingness to act
5. the ability to hold focus

I am sure even without me expanding on them you can apply them to areas of your own life where you perhaps aren't getting the results you want and see the step or steps you are struggling with. Or perhaps that's just me...

Other than that I had all sorts of other vaguely pompous things I wanted to talk about but somehow as the day wore on I ended up having one of those dangerously close to meltdown afternoons and now I am aware people actually might read this I feel a little discomfited about posting my drivel about it. So here is the afternoon summarised with out the massive emotional wobble and naval gazing - think yourselves lucky that you have been spared!!!

I booked my flights (leaving on 31st August), secured a fourth investor (guys I LOVE the faith you have in me), tried to think about planning a leaving do (failed), got delivery of a new bikini (research clearly) and a new rash vest (seriously exciting), spoke to an ex-boyfriend (I know - huge mistake - for those of you that know - the South African one - except it was interesting that for the first time it felt as if he had no hold on me anymore) and finally went for a run and had all sorts of wonderful ideas that I needed to write down and have now forgotten. This was perhaps the best part of the day - the realisation that I am going to be doing something CREATIVE in future and something I feel PASSIONATE about and want to think about the whole time.... Seriously brilliant. 

Vacuum bags and paper cut art....

So I have spent the day packing my winter clothes into vacuum bags and taking them to my parents house for storage and speculating at length with anyone who will give me air time on the minutiae of a recently ended relationship - probably not very interesting to anyone other than me... sorry guys.

Vacuum bags are an incredible invention - have you ever tried them? All your clothes that seem to take up so much space shrink down to ridiculously heavy but manageable sized packages. I swear I got two cupboards full of winter coats and jumpers (including ski wear and down jackets) into two large bags. I wish I had discovered them sooner and it has also struck me that they might be a good way to cheating possible future boyfriends into believing I am actually capable of travelling light....although heaven knows how I would manage to get all the stuff home again having opened the bag when away.... All this packing has also served as a pertinent reminder that I am actually doing this! Moving. Leaving my life behind (and on a much more cheerful note - I am not going to have a cold winter this year - Whooo Hooooo Hoooo!!!)

In little over a month my lovely, cream, Islington town house with its lovely antique furniture and pervading sense of calm, nicknamed the "zen den" by my girlfriends will be packed up and rented out to strangers. Gulp.

I digress. I eventually made it home to my parents house in Wimbledon after a struggle through the rolling roadblock that is London traffic only to be sat down at the kitchen table by my father to be grilled on my business plan. Upshot - after much waffle - I really need to sit down, come up with a business plan and WRITE IT DOWN (in my head is apparently not good enough).

Against my better judgement I decided to try to walk back to Islington and leave the car in Wimbledon, this would have been fine, and is something I do often, were it not for the London showers we are having this year. Its like being in Mexican hurricane season already with less heat and less wind. Seriously schizophrenic weather. Sunny one minute, bucketing down the next. This does not make for good hair (or for that matter anything else) days.

I eventually made it back to civilisation (Bond Street) and stopped to chat to a girlfriend who works there   (for chat please read spill my heart out about recently ended relationship and the possible options) who was hugely encouraging about my travel plans and described how she set up her business last year, on a shoestring and it seems to be really taking off. She makes paper cut art. It's really brilliant. Take a look www.twoforjoyart.com. If I can manage to figure out how to post images on this I will post some of her art. She has done an amazing cut out (which is on her business card) on a Mexican Day of the Dead theme and I am trying to persuade her to come and stay for the actual Day of the Dead this October. How exciting is that going to be? I can't wait.

Bizarrely I have been looking forward to posting today. It is an oddly cathartic experience. More tomorrow. It strikes me that at some point I probably need to explain what my actual plans are and divulge the motivation for this journey/life change I am undertaking but right now it feels like that would be too much commitment to the act of blogging. Odd?

So yesterday I quit.

So yesterday I quit. I handed in my resignation letter to my lovely boss (yes there are some nice bankers) and gave up my nice, relatively secure, job working for a well known investment bank. I plan to move to Mexico (at least to start with) at the end of August to try to have the kind of life I want rather than the one I think I "should" have. Doing things I feel passionate about rather than things I feel I ought to. This is blog is (hopefully) going to be my account of the journey, and I thought I should probably start now as it will be no fun at all if I start once I am there and can't inflict the anxiety/ second thoughts/ doubts prior to leaving on anyone else....

This move isn't quite as random as it sounds. It is on the back of three pretty horrific years at a personal level and at the risk of sounding a bit "Eats, Prays, Loves" I realise right now I have to choose me. Actually, there doesn't feel like there is much choice in what I am about to do, but then again (and I am repeating this to myself like a mantra) when we feel we have no choice and our backs are to the wall is often when we make the best decisions. Here is to hoping.