I never thought I would say this but it is too hot. I long for crisp mornings and fresh air. It has got dramatically hotter here over the past two days and I have been practising yoga like a demon and probably not drinking enough water. I managed to find pattern paper and am going to spend tomorrow cutting patterns. Woooooo hooooooooo hoooooooooo!
Its one of the things you dont think about when you go somewhere on holiday, how does it actually feel to go about daily tasks in the tropics? Shopping for groceries, having to wander across town in 40 degrees and the mid day sun looking for a plug adaptor, what happens on the days you cant justify having your business meetings on the beach.... Its not all fun and games.... (well most of it is and in comparison I would still choose this but you do find yourself longing for the cooler season - its coming).
Today the realisation that has kept rearing its head into my conscious is the question are we all on a path? Have you considered that might be the case for you? Events might seemingly have no rhyme or reason that you can see however they lead you to a place which is absolutely where you need to be?
I realised today that I almost came to playa with a girlfriend in 2008 for my birthday! We never made it, we went to Thailand instead for a pretty hideous ten days of food poisoning and conflict of agenda. Regardless I found myself here in 2010, and since then it has kept pulling me back. I clearly need to be here right now. This seems like more than a coincidence. It has made me wonder if other things have conspired to get me here too... were they just happenstance? or is this my path? Part of my journey? I guess the real question is - does it matter? I am right here right now and I love it - that is more than enough.
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Fake it til you make it....
I finally feel as if I have got my blogging voice back. Perhaps as I have felt unsettled, perhaps because so much has been happening and has changed I have felt recently as though I have lost my voice, or thought pattern, or something....Tonight has been the first time since I got here when I have actually felt like blogging.
Its Sunday night. I am sitting outside Starbucks with a venti vanilla soy roiboss latte (possibly the most ridiculous name for a milky cup of tea I have ever heard). Its balmy. HOT. No breeze. I am breaking a sweat just typing. I am on 5th (the main pedestrian drag here), children are running past playing, I can hear about six different songs playing from different restaurants and about the same number of conversations. Its sensory overload in the way you only ever really get in Latin America, which makes it oddly easy to concentrate on this and hear myself (as long as I don't get distracted or bitten to death by mosquitoes it should all be fine).
For the past few days things have been falling into place. Clicking. I am fitter and stronger and the yoga is getting easier. I have more energy. I am inspired again by the things I want to do here. A girlfriend and I are discussing starting a playa bikini line - something fun, simple and bright and cheap enough that you can buy a bunch of different tops and bottoms in a load of different colours. A playa bikini line for a playa girl and lifestyle. I AM INSPIRED. Everywhere I look and everything I touch is getting me excited. I want to start to make some beach cover up dresses - mainly because I have nothing to wear and cant find anything I want to buy. I presume I am not alone. Watch this space.
This week the occupation of wall street has hit the press. Who knew there was such animosity? I know this is a delicate subject but I do think it's one to be discussed especially as its a lifestyle I have rejected for one that is less conventional and more subversive (is that the right word?) perhaps alternative is what I mean. There seems to be a tremendous misconception that everyone who works or worked for a bank was greedy and exploited the system and caused the financial crisis. This is not the case. Most people who worked for banks were largely unaware of the situation in 2008 and have been tarred with the sins of a few. It's grossly unfair. More recently the sovereign debt crisis has been caused by politicians and their poor fiscal policy - not the bankers at all. Its the lack of basic knowledge of the general public that causes them to lay the blame on bankers. Get your facts straight. Understand what happened and what's happening before you protest. It just causes all credibility to be lost and the legitmate points that are being made by these protesters are lost in the banker-bashing speel. It saddens me. Also the jealousy and miserlyness of the general public towards bankers annoys me - most don't live hugely glamourous lives. Most work hard and have worked incredibly hard to get to where they are, dealing in concepts that the majority of people can't and couldn't dream of understanding. They get paid a TINY amount in terms of what they actually earn for the banks and moreover, the money trickles down. I am ranting. I didn't want to post about this. It's very interesting to see it from the outside. Note to self: must work harder at new age yogi detachment.... a LOT harder....and actually why am I so upset and defensive about this? Guilt?
So thinks have been clicking into place. I am starting to get a life here. Meet people. Feel like I belong. I am terrified of putting down roots until I have established the business though and a clearer idea of where I want to be and how things are going to work. Its actually interesting to observe. It seems like the more I am able to detach from things the more things work out. Better than I could have planned or thought of. Have you ever noticed how when you have let go of things, be it relationships, or expectations, the people come back to you, or situations work out? And some how faking the detachment doesn't work - I find this last point especially annoying as I am REALLY good at faking detachment about a situation.... even though I still REALLY care about the outcome. Reality check: perhaps I am not that good at faking it actually, perhaps and more likely, my friends are just kind to me...? (Answers on a postcard please.)
Today a person came back to me, or started to. A relationship that ripped me to pieces, spun me around, wrung me out, like being sucked under in the surf in a white out, so that when you eventually get out it takes a long time before you can figure out which way is up, how to breathe again, how to stand. One that dominated my life for two and a half years and caused so much destruction it beggars belief. I have moved on. I love the person. I care about them still, but actually for the first time, I am so happy with my life I don't mind what happens next. I am ready just to let it happen. This is huge for me. Detachment. It's beautiful.
And thank you to all my friends who are generous with me when I fake it.
Friday, 23 September 2011
Standing on one leg with my arms in the air - balance?
I am not just standing on one leg with my arms in the air here.
I seem to be distilling here. Stripping back the non-essential bits of me. Hardening in some ways and softening in others. Perhaps I am just getting back into balance? I am certainly calming down. Worrying less about nonsense.
Its hard to know what to write about. So much changes here on a daily basis. So much is still fresh and unusual. I really need to figure out how to post pictures on to this. It seems to be the season of the white butterfly here these days. They have been flying everywhere for the past two days and seem to cluster, like blossom, around a red blossomed tree that lines the streets here. Then for some reason they die. These pure white corpses on the road in stark relief. They look so pure somehow against the tarmac.
(I mean clearly they die because they procreate, but it seems so sad that the life of something so lovely is so brief.)
Its funny but the yoga practise is changing me and more interestingly perhaps the foods I am craving. All the foods I usually crave I no longer want. Cheese - errrr - yuk. Coffee no thanks. Sweet things - not that interested actually. Instead I want vegetables and rice (which I used to HATE).... What is going on?
I am meditating. ( I know). Once a day. One of the things I love about playa is you can go out to a Ministry of Sound night and Hed Kandi on the same night and then get up and do yoga, meditate and listen to the gita on the beach.... It seems like such a contradiction and so extreme but perhaps this is what balance really is? Or at least one way of starting to find it again....
I seem to be distilling here. Stripping back the non-essential bits of me. Hardening in some ways and softening in others. Perhaps I am just getting back into balance? I am certainly calming down. Worrying less about nonsense.
Its hard to know what to write about. So much changes here on a daily basis. So much is still fresh and unusual. I really need to figure out how to post pictures on to this. It seems to be the season of the white butterfly here these days. They have been flying everywhere for the past two days and seem to cluster, like blossom, around a red blossomed tree that lines the streets here. Then for some reason they die. These pure white corpses on the road in stark relief. They look so pure somehow against the tarmac.
(I mean clearly they die because they procreate, but it seems so sad that the life of something so lovely is so brief.)
Its funny but the yoga practise is changing me and more interestingly perhaps the foods I am craving. All the foods I usually crave I no longer want. Cheese - errrr - yuk. Coffee no thanks. Sweet things - not that interested actually. Instead I want vegetables and rice (which I used to HATE).... What is going on?
I am meditating. ( I know). Once a day. One of the things I love about playa is you can go out to a Ministry of Sound night and Hed Kandi on the same night and then get up and do yoga, meditate and listen to the gita on the beach.... It seems like such a contradiction and so extreme but perhaps this is what balance really is? Or at least one way of starting to find it again....
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Hot nights
Its a hot night in Mexico. I should be studying some asanas and reading about heart opening, instead I am posting. I wonder why I am resisting?
Its hard to find my writing groove here too. I see so many things on a daily basis that I could write about, but its all so diverse and different its hard to know where to start. Perhaps its a sign I need to go internal to some degree and try to write about what's going on with me, but the truth is I hardly know myself. The yoga practise picks me up, stretches me out, turns me upside down and spins me around my centre so much I find myself barely able to walk let alone be able to string together a coherent thought process.
It has struck me today that for the first time in my life there is no real plan. I am not sure how I feel about this.
Its hard to find my writing groove here too. I see so many things on a daily basis that I could write about, but its all so diverse and different its hard to know where to start. Perhaps its a sign I need to go internal to some degree and try to write about what's going on with me, but the truth is I hardly know myself. The yoga practise picks me up, stretches me out, turns me upside down and spins me around my centre so much I find myself barely able to walk let alone be able to string together a coherent thought process.
It has struck me today that for the first time in my life there is no real plan. I am not sure how I feel about this.
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Its all relative....
I am sitting at Starbucks typing this as the wireless at home isn't working. I have felt very frustrated and hard done by as a result. Deeply pathetic - actually I have been frustrated and in a bad mood all day, I think because of the yoga a lot of my emotions are coming to the surface. I am certainly starting to see the physical differences caused by the regular practise.
I stomped home from the beach - if you can stomp in flip flops (?) - to get my laptop to bring it down here. Before I went into the house I saw noticed something I have seen before but today was the first time I processed it. Outside my apartment block there are three bins, comparatively small for the size of the building... the same size as the domestic ones people have on their drive way in the uk.... and they are nearly always empty. According to the useful information provided by the property company they are emptied daily. This afternoon I saw a poor looking man going through them. This is the second or third time today I have seen someone from another part of town rooting through them. He was pulling out anything that looked remotely edible and any cans he could find - they get tiny amounts of cash for all drink cans. It was a hard and fast reminder of the disparity here between the well off and the poor. Its very easy to forget. Playa is a nice, albeit americanised, seaside town, its affluent, and safe. Its easy to forget how poor some people are here. I am never going to look at those bins, or for that matter my rubbish and what I waste and throw away the same way again, let alone feel hard done by because my wireless isn't working.
Change, once it starts to happen, happens in a million different ways...
I stomped home from the beach - if you can stomp in flip flops (?) - to get my laptop to bring it down here. Before I went into the house I saw noticed something I have seen before but today was the first time I processed it. Outside my apartment block there are three bins, comparatively small for the size of the building... the same size as the domestic ones people have on their drive way in the uk.... and they are nearly always empty. According to the useful information provided by the property company they are emptied daily. This afternoon I saw a poor looking man going through them. This is the second or third time today I have seen someone from another part of town rooting through them. He was pulling out anything that looked remotely edible and any cans he could find - they get tiny amounts of cash for all drink cans. It was a hard and fast reminder of the disparity here between the well off and the poor. Its very easy to forget. Playa is a nice, albeit americanised, seaside town, its affluent, and safe. Its easy to forget how poor some people are here. I am never going to look at those bins, or for that matter my rubbish and what I waste and throw away the same way again, let alone feel hard done by because my wireless isn't working.
Change, once it starts to happen, happens in a million different ways...
Sunday, 11 September 2011
humbled.
Blogging has fallen by the wayside since I have arrived here. It would be easy to pretend its because I am too busy but thats not the case. Don't get me wrong. I have been busy but I think the real reason has been because I have been brought up, close and personal, with a lot of feelings and emotions I usually try to ignore and deny.
The yoga is changing me. I am fighting it. I am changing notwithstanding. It seeps under my awareness, somewhere in the sweat of the practise it gets into my pores. I feel it softening me. Its the best way I can describe it. I am calmer. I am learning how to detach from a thought.... not easy for me. I am becoming kinder. Really kinder, not just trying to be kind but actually being it. I am not sure if this makes sense. Its the only way I can describe it.
Everyday in yoga I witness a miracle happening. It's not something anyone could ignore. One of my fellow students on the teacher training had a stroke two years ago and was paralysed down the left side of her body, completely paralysed. She comes to class everyday, twice a day and practises with us. She stands with the wall on her left as she is still not able to support herself and she practises. She trembles. Shakes. Modifies the poses. Slowly and with deliberation she moves the limbs on her left hand side into position. Actually, she grapples them. They resist. She fights harder. I dont think I ever understood the meaning of determination before I saw her practise. Its awe inspiring. She is younger than I am and beautiful. One of those girls who before her stroke would have been intimidating. She says she looks back on it now and says that she needed to be humbled - no one, especially not her deserves what she is experiencing. She humbles all of us everyday. We stand by her in class shoulder to shoulder all of us anxious, wanting to help, afraid that she might fall or hurt herself, but all we can do is watch. Just to be completely clear on the extend of it, she can walk - slowly and dragging one leg - I suspect this is fuellled by pure determination rather than anything else. She can walk upstairs to the studio, but it takes her half an hour. The other day she fell over in class. BOOM! She was on the floor. Ellen rushed over. Terrified. G, the student, looks up at Ellen overjoyed. Ellen is shocked. G says its the first time in two years she had FELT something on the left side of her body. The numbness is retreating.
How can I not change when I am witness to this?
I watched a class for the first time this week and fell asleep through most of it, but woke up at the end when everyone was in Sukasana - corpse pose. It was the friday night class, my favourite one, its a consolidation class, everything you do in the week seems to slide into place within your body and make sense in this class, it always feels very calm and tranquil at the end. This friday night, instead of lying on the floor with everyone else I got to watch. The lights were dimmed, and a roomful of strangers lay with their arms outstretched and hearts skyward. All different. Each with their issues. All with their worrys and concerns. Yet for five minutes all completely vunerable and at peace. It was amazing.
I confess I came here rather cynical about the yoga and what it can do. Everyday that cynicism retreats. On Friday night, I sat there and watched everyone rest and cried like a baby. I am not a cryer - its just not who I am. I couldnt help myself. It is one of the most amazing and beautiful things I have ever seen.
I am incredibly lucky to be here. The miracle of my life that is mexico and yoga unfurls itself infiltrating my heart, asana by asana, guitar chord by guitar cord.
The yoga is changing me. I am fighting it. I am changing notwithstanding. It seeps under my awareness, somewhere in the sweat of the practise it gets into my pores. I feel it softening me. Its the best way I can describe it. I am calmer. I am learning how to detach from a thought.... not easy for me. I am becoming kinder. Really kinder, not just trying to be kind but actually being it. I am not sure if this makes sense. Its the only way I can describe it.
Everyday in yoga I witness a miracle happening. It's not something anyone could ignore. One of my fellow students on the teacher training had a stroke two years ago and was paralysed down the left side of her body, completely paralysed. She comes to class everyday, twice a day and practises with us. She stands with the wall on her left as she is still not able to support herself and she practises. She trembles. Shakes. Modifies the poses. Slowly and with deliberation she moves the limbs on her left hand side into position. Actually, she grapples them. They resist. She fights harder. I dont think I ever understood the meaning of determination before I saw her practise. Its awe inspiring. She is younger than I am and beautiful. One of those girls who before her stroke would have been intimidating. She says she looks back on it now and says that she needed to be humbled - no one, especially not her deserves what she is experiencing. She humbles all of us everyday. We stand by her in class shoulder to shoulder all of us anxious, wanting to help, afraid that she might fall or hurt herself, but all we can do is watch. Just to be completely clear on the extend of it, she can walk - slowly and dragging one leg - I suspect this is fuellled by pure determination rather than anything else. She can walk upstairs to the studio, but it takes her half an hour. The other day she fell over in class. BOOM! She was on the floor. Ellen rushed over. Terrified. G, the student, looks up at Ellen overjoyed. Ellen is shocked. G says its the first time in two years she had FELT something on the left side of her body. The numbness is retreating.
How can I not change when I am witness to this?
I watched a class for the first time this week and fell asleep through most of it, but woke up at the end when everyone was in Sukasana - corpse pose. It was the friday night class, my favourite one, its a consolidation class, everything you do in the week seems to slide into place within your body and make sense in this class, it always feels very calm and tranquil at the end. This friday night, instead of lying on the floor with everyone else I got to watch. The lights were dimmed, and a roomful of strangers lay with their arms outstretched and hearts skyward. All different. Each with their issues. All with their worrys and concerns. Yet for five minutes all completely vunerable and at peace. It was amazing.
I confess I came here rather cynical about the yoga and what it can do. Everyday that cynicism retreats. On Friday night, I sat there and watched everyone rest and cried like a baby. I am not a cryer - its just not who I am. I couldnt help myself. It is one of the most amazing and beautiful things I have ever seen.
I am incredibly lucky to be here. The miracle of my life that is mexico and yoga unfurls itself infiltrating my heart, asana by asana, guitar chord by guitar cord.
Tuesday, 6 September 2011
My blog has annoyingly changed to Spanish as the the language for all the details and instructions. I am not impressed. I am still jet lagged, hence in part the lack of posts, the other reason is my arms are so tired it hurts to lift them.
I have been immersed in yoga. Two classes a day. I confront myself, all of myself on my mat, sadly this includes the bits I don't like so much and would rather ignore and pretend they dont exist. At 8.30 am and 6 pm I am on my mat. I sit crossed legged and focus and meditate on my breath. I move to four points and make cat and dog tails. Then, slowly, the flow starts, and the magic starts to happen.
Stand upright, arms above head, open your heart, breath in with a slight backward bend. Fold forward, exhale. Half lift, breath in. Forward fold. Chaturanga. Exhale. Upward dog, inhale. Roll over your toes. Exhale. Downward dog. Breathe.
This is the litany of my life. The chant of my practise. It has become the pulse to my days. The vinyasa.
I am struggling with balance poses at the moment. I can't seem to focus. There is too much personal, unresolved stuff going on in my head. It will come. The yoga is in the practise.
I can feel my body changing. Appreciating that I am spending more time connected to it. I can feel the pull of tendon, the tweak of ligament, the increase in strength, the slimming down of my waist. My body is revelling in the space within it the yoga practise is creating. I am walking differently. Moving differently. Feeling calmer most of the time.
Things are changing, both within me and externally, I am trying, unsucessfully, not to think about it too much. I need to keep on practising. Let the flow of the vinyasa do what it does. Observe. I feel incredible grateful to be here. I wish I had done this years ago.
I have been immersed in yoga. Two classes a day. I confront myself, all of myself on my mat, sadly this includes the bits I don't like so much and would rather ignore and pretend they dont exist. At 8.30 am and 6 pm I am on my mat. I sit crossed legged and focus and meditate on my breath. I move to four points and make cat and dog tails. Then, slowly, the flow starts, and the magic starts to happen.
Stand upright, arms above head, open your heart, breath in with a slight backward bend. Fold forward, exhale. Half lift, breath in. Forward fold. Chaturanga. Exhale. Upward dog, inhale. Roll over your toes. Exhale. Downward dog. Breathe.
This is the litany of my life. The chant of my practise. It has become the pulse to my days. The vinyasa.
I am struggling with balance poses at the moment. I can't seem to focus. There is too much personal, unresolved stuff going on in my head. It will come. The yoga is in the practise.
I can feel my body changing. Appreciating that I am spending more time connected to it. I can feel the pull of tendon, the tweak of ligament, the increase in strength, the slimming down of my waist. My body is revelling in the space within it the yoga practise is creating. I am walking differently. Moving differently. Feeling calmer most of the time.
Things are changing, both within me and externally, I am trying, unsucessfully, not to think about it too much. I need to keep on practising. Let the flow of the vinyasa do what it does. Observe. I feel incredible grateful to be here. I wish I had done this years ago.
Friday, 2 September 2011
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GANESH!!!!
I landed here the night before last but exhausted and with a migraine and blogging hasnt really felt like a priority. Its brought up a lot of emotions. I realised most of the stuff I was worrying about in London just doesnt matter here. I spent yesterday on the beach noticing how sore the muscles in my jaw were and how much I have obviously been clenching it. Funny the things we dont notice as they are happening...
I love Mexico. Even the air is like an embrace. The people. The smells. The colours. It has felt like coming home. The beach was stunning. I prefer playa in down season. Its quieter. More relaxed. People seem happier. Its amazing how much better sunshine makes everything....
Then I saw my buddy Alex and met Christine who might come and live with me in the evening. Really lovely to see them both. After that I headed to yoga. It was an interesting class for me. I feel like I have made such a commitment to doing the training that in some ways it felt quite scary. I kept trying to concentrate on making space. That seems to be a theme for me at the moment. If you make space, be in in your joints or in your life, you make the space for change to occur.
Yesterday was Ganesh's birthday. I cant help feel that this bodes well. He is the Lord (the one with the elephants head) of Obstacles from your path and the Lord of Beginnings. Could it be a better omen? He also has a pot belly as apparently he was too alluring before and another god decided that wouldnt do. I like him even more just for that. According to wikipedia (I know perhaps not the most spiritual of sources, but in a zen way wonderful in its simplicity)...
"Ganesha is Vighneshvara or Vighnaraja, the Lord of Obstacles, both of a material and spiritual order.[82] He is popularly worshipped as a remover of obstacles, though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Paul Courtright says that "his task in the divine scheme of things, his dharma, is to place and remove obstacles. It is his particular territory, the reason for his creation.""
[I have decided I am more about zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, rather than some quest for spirituality - sometimes simple and honest is better than a story after all...]
So I am hoping that Ganesh gives me a great new beginning here and provides me with the obstacles I need to grow and removes the ones I dont (which I am pretty sure are more of my own making than anything else).
I am sore this morning. We did twists and heart openers last night and I feel like someone has slipped their fingers between my ribs and given them a good pull apart. I couldnt quite find my flow tho. I suspect the jet lag and emotion. Yoga is such a good mirror of whats going on. I need to throw myself into it. Not hold back. Trust it.
This is the gayatri matra that we sang at the end of class as a happy birthday - it was also Yoga by the Way's third birthday. Please have a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfKigD3vY8A
I love Mexico. Even the air is like an embrace. The people. The smells. The colours. It has felt like coming home. The beach was stunning. I prefer playa in down season. Its quieter. More relaxed. People seem happier. Its amazing how much better sunshine makes everything....
Then I saw my buddy Alex and met Christine who might come and live with me in the evening. Really lovely to see them both. After that I headed to yoga. It was an interesting class for me. I feel like I have made such a commitment to doing the training that in some ways it felt quite scary. I kept trying to concentrate on making space. That seems to be a theme for me at the moment. If you make space, be in in your joints or in your life, you make the space for change to occur.
Yesterday was Ganesh's birthday. I cant help feel that this bodes well. He is the Lord (the one with the elephants head) of Obstacles from your path and the Lord of Beginnings. Could it be a better omen? He also has a pot belly as apparently he was too alluring before and another god decided that wouldnt do. I like him even more just for that. According to wikipedia (I know perhaps not the most spiritual of sources, but in a zen way wonderful in its simplicity)...
"Ganesha is Vighneshvara or Vighnaraja, the Lord of Obstacles, both of a material and spiritual order.[82] He is popularly worshipped as a remover of obstacles, though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked. Paul Courtright says that "his task in the divine scheme of things, his dharma, is to place and remove obstacles. It is his particular territory, the reason for his creation.""
[I have decided I am more about zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, rather than some quest for spirituality - sometimes simple and honest is better than a story after all...]
So I am hoping that Ganesh gives me a great new beginning here and provides me with the obstacles I need to grow and removes the ones I dont (which I am pretty sure are more of my own making than anything else).
I am sore this morning. We did twists and heart openers last night and I feel like someone has slipped their fingers between my ribs and given them a good pull apart. I couldnt quite find my flow tho. I suspect the jet lag and emotion. Yoga is such a good mirror of whats going on. I need to throw myself into it. Not hold back. Trust it.
This is the gayatri matra that we sang at the end of class as a happy birthday - it was also Yoga by the Way's third birthday. Please have a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rfKigD3vY8A
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
... and breathe
Today has been my last day in London and never before has I felt further from myself or perhaps closer to all the reasons I need to leave.
I posted earlier that I was looking for some sort of sign. Some sort of affirmation that I am making the right choice. Some sort of reassurance. I was hoping to find that on the Internet (I know, I know, ridiculous beyond belief and I am clearly a complete victim of popular culture.).
Needless to say I didn't find it there. I have found it throughout my day in a million ways. Now especially, the house has been a mad house, last minute packing, not just my bags, but everything, the house, changing bills, updating contacts, everything. My parents have been here and it has been a frenzy. My mother is desperate to get the house packed and is obviously very emotional about that whereas I have been trying to get myself packed. Its been like being, I don't know, mauled(?). I have just found myself upstairs, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, reminding myself to breathe, wondering how I have got there, got here, got to this. I am not the kind of person who finds themselves feeling like this very often. I generally feel I can cope. Situations don't get too much for me. I break them down and do things one thing at a time. Systematically. Today has been too much. I am blogging as I want to shut myself in a dark room and close the door and not be disturbed again until tomorrow morning. I have had enough. I am running a bath and am hoping that that will calm me and soothe me and tell the migraine, which is persistently nudging at my temples asking to come in to stay, to bugger off.
I haven't found the answers or the affirmation or the reassurance I want on the Internet but as I sit here and try to string this out into a coherent thought process, failing probably, I do know this is the right thing to do. I want to be able to recognise myself in the mirror.
To all of you in London. Goodbye. I miss you already. Please come and stay. These are not empty throw-away words. I meant them every time I said them to each of you. Thank you so much for being beyond amazing. For going beyond in everything. For making me laugh when I wanted to cry. For making making my world a happier, more fun one. Unless I have a panic and a freak out, my next post will be from Mexico. Look after yourselves. COME AND STAY.
To you, you don't read this as far as I know, but anyway, to you. I miss you. I yearn for you. Every part of me aches for you today. The part of me that is yours I feel through it's absence and makes me sure it is with you still. You showed me a bigger world. You made me believe in myself more than anyone else. You taught me what it means to be brave. Keep safe please.
I posted earlier that I was looking for some sort of sign. Some sort of affirmation that I am making the right choice. Some sort of reassurance. I was hoping to find that on the Internet (I know, I know, ridiculous beyond belief and I am clearly a complete victim of popular culture.).
Needless to say I didn't find it there. I have found it throughout my day in a million ways. Now especially, the house has been a mad house, last minute packing, not just my bags, but everything, the house, changing bills, updating contacts, everything. My parents have been here and it has been a frenzy. My mother is desperate to get the house packed and is obviously very emotional about that whereas I have been trying to get myself packed. Its been like being, I don't know, mauled(?). I have just found myself upstairs, staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, reminding myself to breathe, wondering how I have got there, got here, got to this. I am not the kind of person who finds themselves feeling like this very often. I generally feel I can cope. Situations don't get too much for me. I break them down and do things one thing at a time. Systematically. Today has been too much. I am blogging as I want to shut myself in a dark room and close the door and not be disturbed again until tomorrow morning. I have had enough. I am running a bath and am hoping that that will calm me and soothe me and tell the migraine, which is persistently nudging at my temples asking to come in to stay, to bugger off.
I haven't found the answers or the affirmation or the reassurance I want on the Internet but as I sit here and try to string this out into a coherent thought process, failing probably, I do know this is the right thing to do. I want to be able to recognise myself in the mirror.
To all of you in London. Goodbye. I miss you already. Please come and stay. These are not empty throw-away words. I meant them every time I said them to each of you. Thank you so much for being beyond amazing. For going beyond in everything. For making me laugh when I wanted to cry. For making making my world a happier, more fun one. Unless I have a panic and a freak out, my next post will be from Mexico. Look after yourselves. COME AND STAY.
To you, you don't read this as far as I know, but anyway, to you. I miss you. I yearn for you. Every part of me aches for you today. The part of me that is yours I feel through it's absence and makes me sure it is with you still. You showed me a bigger world. You made me believe in myself more than anyone else. You taught me what it means to be brave. Keep safe please.
So its all a little close now...
and I am not sure how I really feel....
I am trying to distract myself...
I have been surfing the net this morning... looking for something... not sure what... but something.... some sort of sign or indication that I am doing the right thing...or perhaps just something - a distraction? It feels a bit like looking in the fridge when you are bored and feeling as if you are hungry but when you look inside you know there is nothing you want to eat.... make any sense?
My house is pretty much packed, except for the last dregs of what I am taking to mexico. The blank walls where pictures hung stare back at me. The space echos heartlessly. The books are packed and off the shelves. My suitcase gapes at me from the middle of the living room floor. A black hole with my life, or what I seem to consider essential for my life, embalmed in it.
I think I need to get out of the house for a bit.
I am trying to distract myself...
I have been surfing the net this morning... looking for something... not sure what... but something.... some sort of sign or indication that I am doing the right thing...or perhaps just something - a distraction? It feels a bit like looking in the fridge when you are bored and feeling as if you are hungry but when you look inside you know there is nothing you want to eat.... make any sense?
My house is pretty much packed, except for the last dregs of what I am taking to mexico. The blank walls where pictures hung stare back at me. The space echos heartlessly. The books are packed and off the shelves. My suitcase gapes at me from the middle of the living room floor. A black hole with my life, or what I seem to consider essential for my life, embalmed in it.
I think I need to get out of the house for a bit.
Monday, 29 August 2011
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? – Marianne Williamson
I guess with less 36 hours before I am on a plane this is appropriate. Who am I choosing to be? Or rather who am I choosing not to be any longer.
It has been a packing frenzy this weekend combined with saying good byes to friends and I am shattered. Please can I have a rest when I get to Mexico?
Saturday, 27 August 2011
My life is like a freight train... not a roller coaster...
My life is like a freight train, not a roller coaster, I think. Sometimes, I can be happily getting on with other things and its not so much the ups and downs, or highs and lows, but more that it smashes right into me. Shaking me to my foundation at best, leaving me a gibbering wreck at worst.
This week has been crazy. So many unexpected turns and twists. I have been saying my goodbyes, doing my bikini course, and the combination of the two has been amazing and ridiculous. I am going to need a week of sleep when I get to Mexico, and I still need to pack. Arggghhhhhhh....
The zen den has been rented and I have found a room mate in Playa. YAY! Things seem to keep working out. I am not complaining - long may it continue - I am relishing in it.
(Trying not to write a blog like a miserable woman with cats which is why I think I am moving away from my freight train spiel.... It's for the best I think!)
I have been out a couple of times this week with people I thought were friends and they have actually ended up being kind of dates. It's been interesting as I am clearly not even in that head space and am just thinking about getting on with things and the move, and somehow the not thinking about it makes them much more fun. In each instance by the time I have cottoned on enough to figure out the other persons agenda its taken a while, I have been too busy having fun and not caring about any particular outcome. The interesting thing is, I still, even afterwards, no longer care about any particular outcome from either one, I just want to continue having fun and being myself. I am going to Mexico. Who cares about anything else?
I need the yoga. I played some yoga playlists in Bikini class this week and I had to physically struggle not to get up and start to do sun salutations amongst the dummies.... The rhythm of the vinyasa is starting to stir and I cant wait to be standing on my mat letting it flow.
Not sure if this makes any sense.... its just where I am at. Tired, emotional, exhausted, a "to-do" list as long as my arm, not really apprehensive or nervous at the moment (not sure it feels real yet....), inspired, excited, ready for some sun and fed up of the British dank that passes as a poor excuse for a summer. I am really really going to miss my friends though. Badly. Every goodbye that doesn't seem quite real makes me more aware that some part of me cant quite believe I am not going to be able to see you all as often as I would like. It seems to the be the one thing I haven't really factored in. BOOM. I guess that's another example of my freight train. (this is me gibbering on the floor). You make choices with huge upside, things that you NEED to do, changes that have to happen, and you overlook the obvious. The people who make my world at the moment wont be coming with me. I go alone. Yes, of course I know people in Playa, I have amazing friends there, and I am sure there will be an incredible bunch of new ones (my new potential flat mate included) but nonetheless... you can't all come with me.
So I have been getting on with it, this move, the logistics (or some of them at least- my mother has been amazing), the emotions, the fear, the freedom at the end of it all, and I have overlooked the most obvious thing of all. I wasn't intending to post about this at all, but I will miss my friends - massive massive understatement. This week of having more time has made me realise I wish more of my weeks had been like this, that I had given you all more time, that I had been more focused on the things that really matter (you) and less on the things that have no real meaning...(please insert as appropriate here).
So here is to the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the booms and the times when I have been a gibbering wreck, and you have been there for me, please, if you want to, come with me?
This week has been crazy. So many unexpected turns and twists. I have been saying my goodbyes, doing my bikini course, and the combination of the two has been amazing and ridiculous. I am going to need a week of sleep when I get to Mexico, and I still need to pack. Arggghhhhhhh....
The zen den has been rented and I have found a room mate in Playa. YAY! Things seem to keep working out. I am not complaining - long may it continue - I am relishing in it.
(Trying not to write a blog like a miserable woman with cats which is why I think I am moving away from my freight train spiel.... It's for the best I think!)
I have been out a couple of times this week with people I thought were friends and they have actually ended up being kind of dates. It's been interesting as I am clearly not even in that head space and am just thinking about getting on with things and the move, and somehow the not thinking about it makes them much more fun. In each instance by the time I have cottoned on enough to figure out the other persons agenda its taken a while, I have been too busy having fun and not caring about any particular outcome. The interesting thing is, I still, even afterwards, no longer care about any particular outcome from either one, I just want to continue having fun and being myself. I am going to Mexico. Who cares about anything else?
I need the yoga. I played some yoga playlists in Bikini class this week and I had to physically struggle not to get up and start to do sun salutations amongst the dummies.... The rhythm of the vinyasa is starting to stir and I cant wait to be standing on my mat letting it flow.
Not sure if this makes any sense.... its just where I am at. Tired, emotional, exhausted, a "to-do" list as long as my arm, not really apprehensive or nervous at the moment (not sure it feels real yet....), inspired, excited, ready for some sun and fed up of the British dank that passes as a poor excuse for a summer. I am really really going to miss my friends though. Badly. Every goodbye that doesn't seem quite real makes me more aware that some part of me cant quite believe I am not going to be able to see you all as often as I would like. It seems to the be the one thing I haven't really factored in. BOOM. I guess that's another example of my freight train. (this is me gibbering on the floor). You make choices with huge upside, things that you NEED to do, changes that have to happen, and you overlook the obvious. The people who make my world at the moment wont be coming with me. I go alone. Yes, of course I know people in Playa, I have amazing friends there, and I am sure there will be an incredible bunch of new ones (my new potential flat mate included) but nonetheless... you can't all come with me.
So I have been getting on with it, this move, the logistics (or some of them at least- my mother has been amazing), the emotions, the fear, the freedom at the end of it all, and I have overlooked the most obvious thing of all. I wasn't intending to post about this at all, but I will miss my friends - massive massive understatement. This week of having more time has made me realise I wish more of my weeks had been like this, that I had given you all more time, that I had been more focused on the things that really matter (you) and less on the things that have no real meaning...(please insert as appropriate here).
So here is to the highs and lows, the ups and downs, the booms and the times when I have been a gibbering wreck, and you have been there for me, please, if you want to, come with me?
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Barbie, where are you?
This week I have been at Central St Martins doing a course in swimwear and lingerie design. It has felt like slowly coming alive again. Perhaps there is just more caffeine in the coffee in Soho than Canary Wharf, but I doubt it....
On Monday, walking into St Martins it could not have been more different from walking on to the trading floor. We are at the Charring Cross campus and they are just about to move to the new one in Kings Cross. The whole building is dilapidated in the most wonderful way, it feels a bit like a junior school with less money and more anarchy. Everything is a little bit grubby and worn around the edges, scuffed and rubbed. It reminds me a little of the poem the Velveteen rabbit as you can really feel how well loved the building has been. The other huge contrast is everyone is cheerful. The teachers, the porters, the other staff, and they all talk to each other. There isn't that hierarchical vow of silence that seems to permeate the city where people being friendly and human to one another is the exception rather than the rule.
I love it. I wish I could do an MA. We have been making blocks and patterns and toiles (the draft fabric version of your finished product, which you then tweak to make it perfect). Seam allowance, grain lines, maximum stretch, salvage. These words are my currency now. It's a science. Physics on paper or in 3D and the ultimate lesson in cause and effect, and you learn by doing it.
On the first day we made a large, vaguely swimsuit shaped body cover and were told to put it on, draw on it in chalk and CUT. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. No drama. The hiss and snip of the scissors and the FREEDOM of making the choice where you make that cut was amazing. I am typing this and realise it probably sounds slightly ridiculous, but just having the freedom to create what you want is so liberating. It felt a little bit like cutting your barbies hair off as a child with out the subsequent regret. It makes you feel, in a small way, omnipotent.
So on Monday, I made a plunging halter neck swimsuit and yesterday I made bras!!! Today, I make another bra, learnt how to make a corset, and made a killah pair of bikini bottoms. LOVE IT. Tomorrow, I want to try to make a corset pattern and do some more work on my bottoms - oooooo and please, can I try to make a negligee?
I am travelling around London with a camera now. Things that beforehand I wouldn't have noticed are now sparking my attention and curiosity. I went shopping for fabric yesterday, amazing store, "The Cloth Shop" on Berwick Street. I fell in love. The Indian printed silks. Hand printed, jewel coloured, and the kind of fabric that once you wash it becomes so light and soft its like a butterfly's kiss against your skin. I want to go back and find the printed cottons to make some bras and panties and nighties with. The owner's wife is a yoga teacher too. The back of the shop houses a collection of Ganesh statues, antique buttons and braids and some wonderful Japanese notebooks. The notebooks I loved. They are bound in traditional indigo and white patterns, very similar to those used for cotton kimonos in japan, but all the patterns are slightly different. I want to go back and lay them all out in a mosaic. I think that would look amazing.
I have also spoken to a designer friend this week who was full of amazing, invaluable advice. I feel very lucky. I am thinking of moving this blog to tumblr or at least using that for images etc and I think I probably need to jump on the twitter band wagon. I want a sewing machine. I am a bit sad I don't have one here to play with at night. I have so many ideas and things I want to do. Mexico is starting to feel like it might get a bit in the way..... (I know -mental and it's much needed)... but I am excited. REALLY EXCITED.
I wish I knew how to post a lot of pictures on this. I don't. Grrr. I am becoming more visual, or allowing myself to be more visual, and also in a small way, I realised my everyday omnipotence with my designs will filter out to the rest of my life and enable me to be more powerful in everything I do. Now where the hell did I put those metaphorical scissors? Barbie, where are you....?
On Monday, walking into St Martins it could not have been more different from walking on to the trading floor. We are at the Charring Cross campus and they are just about to move to the new one in Kings Cross. The whole building is dilapidated in the most wonderful way, it feels a bit like a junior school with less money and more anarchy. Everything is a little bit grubby and worn around the edges, scuffed and rubbed. It reminds me a little of the poem the Velveteen rabbit as you can really feel how well loved the building has been. The other huge contrast is everyone is cheerful. The teachers, the porters, the other staff, and they all talk to each other. There isn't that hierarchical vow of silence that seems to permeate the city where people being friendly and human to one another is the exception rather than the rule.
I love it. I wish I could do an MA. We have been making blocks and patterns and toiles (the draft fabric version of your finished product, which you then tweak to make it perfect). Seam allowance, grain lines, maximum stretch, salvage. These words are my currency now. It's a science. Physics on paper or in 3D and the ultimate lesson in cause and effect, and you learn by doing it.
On the first day we made a large, vaguely swimsuit shaped body cover and were told to put it on, draw on it in chalk and CUT. If it didn't work out, it didn't work out. No drama. The hiss and snip of the scissors and the FREEDOM of making the choice where you make that cut was amazing. I am typing this and realise it probably sounds slightly ridiculous, but just having the freedom to create what you want is so liberating. It felt a little bit like cutting your barbies hair off as a child with out the subsequent regret. It makes you feel, in a small way, omnipotent.
So on Monday, I made a plunging halter neck swimsuit and yesterday I made bras!!! Today, I make another bra, learnt how to make a corset, and made a killah pair of bikini bottoms. LOVE IT. Tomorrow, I want to try to make a corset pattern and do some more work on my bottoms - oooooo and please, can I try to make a negligee?
I am travelling around London with a camera now. Things that beforehand I wouldn't have noticed are now sparking my attention and curiosity. I went shopping for fabric yesterday, amazing store, "The Cloth Shop" on Berwick Street. I fell in love. The Indian printed silks. Hand printed, jewel coloured, and the kind of fabric that once you wash it becomes so light and soft its like a butterfly's kiss against your skin. I want to go back and find the printed cottons to make some bras and panties and nighties with. The owner's wife is a yoga teacher too. The back of the shop houses a collection of Ganesh statues, antique buttons and braids and some wonderful Japanese notebooks. The notebooks I loved. They are bound in traditional indigo and white patterns, very similar to those used for cotton kimonos in japan, but all the patterns are slightly different. I want to go back and lay them all out in a mosaic. I think that would look amazing.
I have also spoken to a designer friend this week who was full of amazing, invaluable advice. I feel very lucky. I am thinking of moving this blog to tumblr or at least using that for images etc and I think I probably need to jump on the twitter band wagon. I want a sewing machine. I am a bit sad I don't have one here to play with at night. I have so many ideas and things I want to do. Mexico is starting to feel like it might get a bit in the way..... (I know -mental and it's much needed)... but I am excited. REALLY EXCITED.
I wish I knew how to post a lot of pictures on this. I don't. Grrr. I am becoming more visual, or allowing myself to be more visual, and also in a small way, I realised my everyday omnipotence with my designs will filter out to the rest of my life and enable me to be more powerful in everything I do. Now where the hell did I put those metaphorical scissors? Barbie, where are you....?
Friday, 19 August 2011
Crazier and crazier - thought I had posted this and somehow it slipped through the net
Things have been getting crazier and crazier. I cant wait to go. I wish I was leaving tomorrow. Things are sorted, what I need to take with me is almost packed. The idea of the next five days at work is horrendous. I am over it already. Done. I know they are really going to drag.
I have been relucant to post recently as I have been reading lots of blogs and so many of them seem to be written by desperately unhappy lost souls trying to reconcile their life to themselves with an element of humour over the internet. I had no idea so many people were so unhappy. Its painful to read so many of them. I am glad they have a forum for their misery and a way of expressing it but I dont ever want this to become like that. Its made me feel a little insecure about the things I have been posting here, perhaps insecure is the wrong word - shakey.... People judge and I do feel like in these posts I have been sort of baring myself. Exposing myself to the elements of the internet. Its a funny idea isn't it? Slightly ironic as my last post was the realisation I am caring less what other people think, but our humanity is in our contradictions after all.
Where was I?
SO EXCITED!!!! It's unbelievable. Its starting to feel real. This thing that was an idea is happening, or the first stage is starting to happen. I am going to mexico in 17 days. This time in 17 days time I will be landing in cancun and making my way down the coast to Playa. Later in the evening I will be wiggling my toes in the sand before my first swim. Yes. I am going swimming on my first evening. It is, after all, the start of the rest of my life. No melodrama here - clearly!
Things have happened this week that have been even more affirmative that I am making the right choice. I see so many messed up relationships in London. People that clearly love each other and yet somehow find themselves in a downward spiral of unhappieness and discontent. How does that happen? I mean we are all adults. We all know we need to step away when that happens, but so often it becomes a cycle of madness.
I have been relucant to post recently as I have been reading lots of blogs and so many of them seem to be written by desperately unhappy lost souls trying to reconcile their life to themselves with an element of humour over the internet. I had no idea so many people were so unhappy. Its painful to read so many of them. I am glad they have a forum for their misery and a way of expressing it but I dont ever want this to become like that. Its made me feel a little insecure about the things I have been posting here, perhaps insecure is the wrong word - shakey.... People judge and I do feel like in these posts I have been sort of baring myself. Exposing myself to the elements of the internet. Its a funny idea isn't it? Slightly ironic as my last post was the realisation I am caring less what other people think, but our humanity is in our contradictions after all.
Where was I?
SO EXCITED!!!! It's unbelievable. Its starting to feel real. This thing that was an idea is happening, or the first stage is starting to happen. I am going to mexico in 17 days. This time in 17 days time I will be landing in cancun and making my way down the coast to Playa. Later in the evening I will be wiggling my toes in the sand before my first swim. Yes. I am going swimming on my first evening. It is, after all, the start of the rest of my life. No melodrama here - clearly!
Things have happened this week that have been even more affirmative that I am making the right choice. I see so many messed up relationships in London. People that clearly love each other and yet somehow find themselves in a downward spiral of unhappieness and discontent. How does that happen? I mean we are all adults. We all know we need to step away when that happens, but so often it becomes a cycle of madness.
Serendipity or just plain freaky?
Today was my last day at work. It has been in parts oddly emotional and at other time I have felt very detached. An observer. This probably wasn't assisted by the fact I don't think I have managed more than 5 hours sleep any night this week and was feeling a little worse for wear after last night.
A friend pointed out to me earlier this week when I was whinging about not being able to sleep that its normal in the circumstances to be anxious. (He is in DC and I am in London so his facebook times align nicely with my hours of insomnia.) It as if I have made these huge, momentous changes, and then expected them not to impact me in anyway, not to feel stressed, not to feel anxious, bottom line not to feel scared. Then when I do experience these emotions I am surprised. I know, I know, I type it and it seems ridiculous even to me. We ended up having this momentous chat, which ended with him echoing the lines my father always tells me "Don't be so hard on yourself!". I am strongly considering having this tattooed somewhere on my body, together with "Don't be afraid to ask for help!", of course, to fit in with my new yogaramma outlook I would probably need to get the tattoos in Sanskrit: English would just be too prosaic, although perhaps more effective. [Mummy, before you freak out - I am kidding - sort of....]
What is with that actually, come to think of it, why so often do we have to take something simple and dress it up in a way that better fits how we wish to be perceived rather than sticking to the simple and direct and simply honouring that? When does how we represent something become more significant to us than what we actually do? What drives that? I don't just mean material things... I mean the introduction of the element of suffer... I think. Human nature, right? We have to make problems so we can solve them and then feel better about ourselves....
I digress. Today was my last day at work. How do I feel? I feel tired. Exhausted actually. Hungover. Kind of scared but the tiredness is masking all of that. A little apprehensive about the amazing amount of routine and structure I have removed from my life. I am going to miss the people I have been working with a lot, but I am not actually going to miss the jobs or being part of the struggle that the banking industry will no doubt continue to be for the immediate and medium term future. A bit numb. Its going to take a while to sink in. I am trying to resist spinning into a panic about how the next stage is going to work, deep down I know its going to be fine and I can relax and let it happen. Let's reassess in six months...
Quite funny, I am not sure how much I believe in astrology, but my horoscope for the weekend is pasted below. Serendipity? Or just plain freaky?
Can you earn your living doing something you love? Friday’s moon-Pluto lineup reveals new ways to profit from your talents. Think outside of the 9 to 5 box. While you’re a hands-on person, you only have so many hours in a day. It may be possible to create a product or published materials that can be sold independently of you, allowing you to literally make money in your sleep. On Saturday, the moon and Jupiter meet up in your income house, furthering your desire to explore new work opportunities. Reach out to your social network—particularly the ones far from home as Jupiter rules long-distance alliances. Friends in other cities may provide a golden ticket, even if you’re collaborating remotely from your current home base. Has someone in your life been continually generous with you? This is the weekend where you spring for an in-kind gift to keep the scales balanced.
A friend pointed out to me earlier this week when I was whinging about not being able to sleep that its normal in the circumstances to be anxious. (He is in DC and I am in London so his facebook times align nicely with my hours of insomnia.) It as if I have made these huge, momentous changes, and then expected them not to impact me in anyway, not to feel stressed, not to feel anxious, bottom line not to feel scared. Then when I do experience these emotions I am surprised. I know, I know, I type it and it seems ridiculous even to me. We ended up having this momentous chat, which ended with him echoing the lines my father always tells me "Don't be so hard on yourself!". I am strongly considering having this tattooed somewhere on my body, together with "Don't be afraid to ask for help!", of course, to fit in with my new yogaramma outlook I would probably need to get the tattoos in Sanskrit: English would just be too prosaic, although perhaps more effective. [Mummy, before you freak out - I am kidding - sort of....]
What is with that actually, come to think of it, why so often do we have to take something simple and dress it up in a way that better fits how we wish to be perceived rather than sticking to the simple and direct and simply honouring that? When does how we represent something become more significant to us than what we actually do? What drives that? I don't just mean material things... I mean the introduction of the element of suffer... I think. Human nature, right? We have to make problems so we can solve them and then feel better about ourselves....
I digress. Today was my last day at work. How do I feel? I feel tired. Exhausted actually. Hungover. Kind of scared but the tiredness is masking all of that. A little apprehensive about the amazing amount of routine and structure I have removed from my life. I am going to miss the people I have been working with a lot, but I am not actually going to miss the jobs or being part of the struggle that the banking industry will no doubt continue to be for the immediate and medium term future. A bit numb. Its going to take a while to sink in. I am trying to resist spinning into a panic about how the next stage is going to work, deep down I know its going to be fine and I can relax and let it happen. Let's reassess in six months...
Quite funny, I am not sure how much I believe in astrology, but my horoscope for the weekend is pasted below. Serendipity? Or just plain freaky?
Can you earn your living doing something you love? Friday’s moon-Pluto lineup reveals new ways to profit from your talents. Think outside of the 9 to 5 box. While you’re a hands-on person, you only have so many hours in a day. It may be possible to create a product or published materials that can be sold independently of you, allowing you to literally make money in your sleep. On Saturday, the moon and Jupiter meet up in your income house, furthering your desire to explore new work opportunities. Reach out to your social network—particularly the ones far from home as Jupiter rules long-distance alliances. Friends in other cities may provide a golden ticket, even if you’re collaborating remotely from your current home base. Has someone in your life been continually generous with you? This is the weekend where you spring for an in-kind gift to keep the scales balanced.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Ode to a Nightingale
| Forlorn! the very word is like a bell | |
| To toll me back from thee to my sole self! | |
| Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well | |
| As she is famed to do, deceiving elf. | |
| Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades | 75 |
| Past the near meadows, over the still stream, | |
| Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep | |
| In the next valley-glades: | |
| Was it a vision, or a waking dream? | |
| Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep? |
Tomorrow is my last day at work. Was it a vision or a waking dream? Both my life and the nightingale. My family have been banking since the 14th Century. We were bankers to the Princes of Milan. The word itself "bank" derives from the Italian word for bench which in the Milan Borsa was traditionally broken in two when the deal was struck. I wonder if today, in so many ways, I have come full circle. I am struck by this metaphor. Perhaps to move on we all need for the bench that we sit on to be broken? Perhaps the early Milanese bankers got it right? Do we ever strive for the new, for the difficult, if we are sitting in a position of comfort? I know I don't.
I walked home tonight from dinner and drinks with a soul friend. Across Paternoster Square and back through the city. I found myself walking across a cross roads, along the other arm of the cross, perpendicular, to the way I walked across it about six months ago. Again, it felt as if in some ways I have come full circle. It caught me on unawares. It is time for me to go back to Mexico. As my soul friend tonight said, its time for chapter three. I know she was referring to the next chapter of our friendship, but I am aware that these chapters are also aligned to those of my adult life.
For clarification, I call her a soul friend as we seem to find each other and meet again in different circumstances, in different locations, in different occupations at different times. She is meant to be in my life. We have parallel paths. We met in Italy at a horse show in 2004, in 2005 I asked her to come and help us out in NY, in 2009 she came to London, we have spent time together here since then, somehow, she claims (I don't believe her as she would have done it anyway but it might have taken longer) me changing my life has inspired her and she is going to try to go back to the States in the next couple of years. We are connected.
The Yeats quote is one of my favorite poems for so many reasons. Both deeply personal and more abstract. I realise that in a few months, with hindsight, my times here might seem like a dream. It will cloud over, the memories will haze up, things will become more diffuse and less defined. I welcome that day. I have regrets, of course I do, but on the whole they are small ones. I wish I had had the opportunity to work in the City. To walk the lanes and steep myself in the history and legacy of the place. The city seems to me to be one part magic to two parts modern and odious. The one part magic would make the experience a worth while trade. But, then again, we all make our own magic. Someone asked me today if I was looking forward to running away from it all. I said not at all. I am running towards the rest of my life. That is what it feels like, especially cemented by the past two weeks in the markets which have done nothing but affirm my choice. This is me. Breathing deep. Preparing. Running towards the rest of my life.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
Things are happening
Things are happening. I have a tenant for my flat and provided credit checks etc work she sounds perfect. Better than perfect. Better still I have a place to stay in Mexico. An amazing apartment. Only having got these things resolved do I realise how much they have been worrying me. On both counts I had sort of made the conscious decision not to worry about them and that they would resolve themselves, and low and betide they have. Part of me is surprised it has been so easy. The part of me that seems to be evolving with this journey isn't surprised at all. This is, after all, what it means to have faith and believe in what you are doing, and when this happens things fall into place. I like this new me. A lot.
Other things have been changing too. Some that I am aware of and others that I can feel shifting on the peripheries of my consciousness. This new found awareness is interesting for me. It leaves me uptight and anxious and I feel like I am experiencing more emotions than before, perhaps my fight or flight has been triggered by the move, who knows. One of the big changes I have noticed is that I seem to be getting better at setting boundaries for myself in my relationships and recognising who is a positive influence for me, and sadly who isnt. This has been a long time coming and its a huge relief that its arrived (at last).
I tend to think of myself as a bit of a Labrador puppy of a person. I will wander up to anyone, wagging my metaphorical tail, share my toys, perhaps chew their shoelaces, roll over on to my back and hope they scratch my tummy, and given half a chance will lick their face. I cant help it. Its just how I do life. I just want everyone to love me pleeeeaaaaaaase.... As a toddler I used to give my sweets away to strangers, which I think was perplexing to my parents but also a huge relief as I was always the one doing the giving I never had to be told "don't take sweets from strangers". I find I still do this now as a adult but the behavior plays out in a different way. It has huge upsides but sadly it also has downsides. Finally, I am finding myself filtering this behaviour more. It seems to matter less to me now than before that people like me. I am sticking up for myself. I am ok with people not liking me. It surprised me at first, its been almost like watching a stranger from the outside. The wonderful thing is, I have realised I care less if others like me a little less now as I am starting like me a LOT more.
(Also I know the people who really care about me like me anyway. end of.)
Other things have been changing too. Some that I am aware of and others that I can feel shifting on the peripheries of my consciousness. This new found awareness is interesting for me. It leaves me uptight and anxious and I feel like I am experiencing more emotions than before, perhaps my fight or flight has been triggered by the move, who knows. One of the big changes I have noticed is that I seem to be getting better at setting boundaries for myself in my relationships and recognising who is a positive influence for me, and sadly who isnt. This has been a long time coming and its a huge relief that its arrived (at last).
I tend to think of myself as a bit of a Labrador puppy of a person. I will wander up to anyone, wagging my metaphorical tail, share my toys, perhaps chew their shoelaces, roll over on to my back and hope they scratch my tummy, and given half a chance will lick their face. I cant help it. Its just how I do life. I just want everyone to love me pleeeeaaaaaaase.... As a toddler I used to give my sweets away to strangers, which I think was perplexing to my parents but also a huge relief as I was always the one doing the giving I never had to be told "don't take sweets from strangers". I find I still do this now as a adult but the behavior plays out in a different way. It has huge upsides but sadly it also has downsides. Finally, I am finding myself filtering this behaviour more. It seems to matter less to me now than before that people like me. I am sticking up for myself. I am ok with people not liking me. It surprised me at first, its been almost like watching a stranger from the outside. The wonderful thing is, I have realised I care less if others like me a little less now as I am starting like me a LOT more.
(Also I know the people who really care about me like me anyway. end of.)
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Chaos
Sorry I haven't posted for a couple of days. Its been for various reasons.
I have builders in the house at the moment and it has been turned upside down. The zen den is definitely no longer zen. For any of you that know me, and how ocd I can be about it - it looks like a bomb site. Even sitting here typing is difficult. I want to get up and tidy up, and I cant. The bedrooms and hall are being repainted - the areas of the house where most things are stored, as are the insides of the wardrobes and there is stuff all over the living room. I hate it. I cant start to tidy up as the builders have craftily painted the floors and I cant go in the rooms now. Experiencing the chaos has brought it home to me that I really do care about being in a tidy serene environment. This didn't used to be something that bothered me, at least not as a teenager, but somewhere along the way I have morphed into someone who cant abide clutter or disorder. How did it happen?
Its funny isn't it how we change? We don't even realise it ourselves and real changes happen slowly and gradually. I don't think my mother has understood it yet. I think she still sees me as the teenager who used to make a mess, leave things all over the floor and around the house. I guess that's because that is when she last lived with me and for her it must seem like a sudden change to see me now. In the zen den everything has its place and when her, or my creative cleaning lady, decide to rearrange things or don't put them back where they should be it feels like everything has gone awry. I realise I have developed this habit from having so little free time, not being able to find things immediately feels like such a waste of it, not to mention it often makes the difference between being on time, or not and a precious few extra minutes in bed. Actually, typing this I realise I must seem insufferable but also hand in hand with this tidiness has come a ruthlessness with clutter, or extraneous "things". I don't keep things I don't use. I don't keep stuff for the sake of it. If something is old or damaged or broken or not useful it gets thrown away. This isn't out of wastefulness, although it might seem like an expendable way to live life, I prefer to think of it as a distillation. I keep the essentials. The stuff I need and that means something. I don't want the attachment.
Months ago before I even knew I was going to be making this move I had a ruthless declutter. Boy am I grateful for it now! I guess there is going to be a lot more to come. A lot more stuff I can afford to loose and leave behind. The fact is, if I am not going to take it with me, it clearly doesn't matter to me so I can let it go and get rid of it. Obviously, this is now becoming a metaphor, its not just "stuff" that I will be applying this to, but to every aspect of my life. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing what really matters to me, what comes with me and what I leave behind. I wonder if it will be what I expect...
I have builders in the house at the moment and it has been turned upside down. The zen den is definitely no longer zen. For any of you that know me, and how ocd I can be about it - it looks like a bomb site. Even sitting here typing is difficult. I want to get up and tidy up, and I cant. The bedrooms and hall are being repainted - the areas of the house where most things are stored, as are the insides of the wardrobes and there is stuff all over the living room. I hate it. I cant start to tidy up as the builders have craftily painted the floors and I cant go in the rooms now. Experiencing the chaos has brought it home to me that I really do care about being in a tidy serene environment. This didn't used to be something that bothered me, at least not as a teenager, but somewhere along the way I have morphed into someone who cant abide clutter or disorder. How did it happen?
Its funny isn't it how we change? We don't even realise it ourselves and real changes happen slowly and gradually. I don't think my mother has understood it yet. I think she still sees me as the teenager who used to make a mess, leave things all over the floor and around the house. I guess that's because that is when she last lived with me and for her it must seem like a sudden change to see me now. In the zen den everything has its place and when her, or my creative cleaning lady, decide to rearrange things or don't put them back where they should be it feels like everything has gone awry. I realise I have developed this habit from having so little free time, not being able to find things immediately feels like such a waste of it, not to mention it often makes the difference between being on time, or not and a precious few extra minutes in bed. Actually, typing this I realise I must seem insufferable but also hand in hand with this tidiness has come a ruthlessness with clutter, or extraneous "things". I don't keep things I don't use. I don't keep stuff for the sake of it. If something is old or damaged or broken or not useful it gets thrown away. This isn't out of wastefulness, although it might seem like an expendable way to live life, I prefer to think of it as a distillation. I keep the essentials. The stuff I need and that means something. I don't want the attachment.
Months ago before I even knew I was going to be making this move I had a ruthless declutter. Boy am I grateful for it now! I guess there is going to be a lot more to come. A lot more stuff I can afford to loose and leave behind. The fact is, if I am not going to take it with me, it clearly doesn't matter to me so I can let it go and get rid of it. Obviously, this is now becoming a metaphor, its not just "stuff" that I will be applying this to, but to every aspect of my life. I am looking forward to looking back and seeing what really matters to me, what comes with me and what I leave behind. I wonder if it will be what I expect...
Thursday, 4 August 2011
What surprises you the most?
I feel like my blog posts aren't as good at the moment as they were at the start. Perhaps I am being less introspective, perhaps I just don't have as much to say, perhaps the novelty of being able to regurgitate my day across the internet is wearing off - who knows. I think it might be more that I am taking each day at a time. I am being forced to. I managed to exhaust myself to the extent that I got sick, couldn't sleep and spent yesterday catching up on sleep.
Why is it I need to push myself to that point before I rest? Why can I not set up boundaries and say "Enough!" to people before I reach that point? Why can't I do that by myself? I am hoping this is one of the things I am going to learn from a more regular, sustained yoga practise. I will need to if I intend to practise two hours a day seven days a week for three months. Typing this is making me tingle with anticipation and I can almost feel my achilles and hamstrings breathing deep sights of relief. I am so excited and I think this opportunity to deepen my practise will change my life.
One of the girls I work with today has had a shoulder pain for several months and went to the physio today to be told that 8 vertebrae of her neck are fusing and she is at risk of early onset arthritis. She is 27. Why is it we repeatedly ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us? Until they step the pain up to such a degree we can no longer ignore them? I guess this comes back to an earlier blog post on if the universe is trying to tell you something you should listen, or it will just shout louder. Bodies are the same. Is there something that your body is telling you that you aren't listening to and are trying to ignore?
Mine is definitely trying to tell me it's tired and I haven't been taking very good care of it in recent weeks. It has definitely had too much sugar, too much wine, too much salt, way too much caffeine and not enough rest, or TLC. I am contemplating using the time before I go to Mexico to do a juice fast but somehow I think that would annoy everyone I am supposed to be seeing for good bye drinks etc. It's still nice to know there is a nuclear option - perhaps next week during the week? That shouldn't be too disruptive... although it will probably make me quite grumpy.
Today, for the first time it crossed my mind that the yoga practise I will be doing will cause me to observe myself in a very different way, and call for much deeper introspection than I had previously considered. Actually I am taking way too much credit for this observation, I read a post on the elephant journal entitled "10 signs you are ready for Yoga Teacher Training". Most of these I could relate to although I want to stress my main motivation for doing the training is to deepen and completely establish my own practise. I do want to be able to share it with friends, but I am not sure I can quite envisage myself teaching classes at the moment. This may well change.
Either way here is the link to an awesome article by Kelli Harrington
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/08/10-signs-youre-ready-for-yoga-teacher-training/
It was point nine that leapt out at me in flashing neon...
"You’re prepared to take an inner journey. Yoga teacher training can be an emotional rollercoaster, as you peel off the layers of the ego and reveal parts of yourself previously buried or unknown. It’s usually ultimately enlightening but can be temporarily traumatic."
Woah there! What's all this talk of trauma. This wasn't something I had actively considered, however now that I think about it, its very likely indeed (tremble). Am I ready for this? I don't know. I am not ready to keep doing the same thing all over again though and nor am I ready to not listen to my body. Not listening is not an excuse.
This quote (below) that I saw for the first time today sums up so much of what I see in my current life.
They asked the Dalai Lama: What surprises you most in humanity?
Men, he said, because they lose their health to gain wealth, and then lose their money to regain health. And while thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present in such a way that they neither live the present nor the future. And live like they were never going to die... and die like they had never lived.
Perhaps this is the very choice I am really making by all of this, perhaps I am choosing life and that's why it feels so easy?
Why is it I need to push myself to that point before I rest? Why can I not set up boundaries and say "Enough!" to people before I reach that point? Why can't I do that by myself? I am hoping this is one of the things I am going to learn from a more regular, sustained yoga practise. I will need to if I intend to practise two hours a day seven days a week for three months. Typing this is making me tingle with anticipation and I can almost feel my achilles and hamstrings breathing deep sights of relief. I am so excited and I think this opportunity to deepen my practise will change my life.
One of the girls I work with today has had a shoulder pain for several months and went to the physio today to be told that 8 vertebrae of her neck are fusing and she is at risk of early onset arthritis. She is 27. Why is it we repeatedly ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us? Until they step the pain up to such a degree we can no longer ignore them? I guess this comes back to an earlier blog post on if the universe is trying to tell you something you should listen, or it will just shout louder. Bodies are the same. Is there something that your body is telling you that you aren't listening to and are trying to ignore?
Mine is definitely trying to tell me it's tired and I haven't been taking very good care of it in recent weeks. It has definitely had too much sugar, too much wine, too much salt, way too much caffeine and not enough rest, or TLC. I am contemplating using the time before I go to Mexico to do a juice fast but somehow I think that would annoy everyone I am supposed to be seeing for good bye drinks etc. It's still nice to know there is a nuclear option - perhaps next week during the week? That shouldn't be too disruptive... although it will probably make me quite grumpy.
Today, for the first time it crossed my mind that the yoga practise I will be doing will cause me to observe myself in a very different way, and call for much deeper introspection than I had previously considered. Actually I am taking way too much credit for this observation, I read a post on the elephant journal entitled "10 signs you are ready for Yoga Teacher Training". Most of these I could relate to although I want to stress my main motivation for doing the training is to deepen and completely establish my own practise. I do want to be able to share it with friends, but I am not sure I can quite envisage myself teaching classes at the moment. This may well change.
Either way here is the link to an awesome article by Kelli Harrington
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/08/10-signs-youre-ready-for-yoga-teacher-training/
It was point nine that leapt out at me in flashing neon...
"You’re prepared to take an inner journey. Yoga teacher training can be an emotional rollercoaster, as you peel off the layers of the ego and reveal parts of yourself previously buried or unknown. It’s usually ultimately enlightening but can be temporarily traumatic."
Woah there! What's all this talk of trauma. This wasn't something I had actively considered, however now that I think about it, its very likely indeed (tremble). Am I ready for this? I don't know. I am not ready to keep doing the same thing all over again though and nor am I ready to not listen to my body. Not listening is not an excuse.
This quote (below) that I saw for the first time today sums up so much of what I see in my current life.
They asked the Dalai Lama: What surprises you most in humanity?
Men, he said, because they lose their health to gain wealth, and then lose their money to regain health. And while thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present in such a way that they neither live the present nor the future. And live like they were never going to die... and die like they had never lived.
Perhaps this is the very choice I am really making by all of this, perhaps I am choosing life and that's why it feels so easy?
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Pigheaded
What happened to me today? I honestly cant remember. It blends so seamlessly into so many other London days. Restless night. Got up. Washed. Dressed. Decided I couldn't be bothered with make-up. Went to work. Got an incredible coffee from the Italian girls at Costa. Got into work. Tried to deal with work issues - in particular two trades that were enigmas to all of us and made no sense. Emailed friends. Looked at the papers. Dealt with more work issues. Decided I needed another coffee. More work. Wondered why I was working so hard as I am leaving. And thus the day drifted into a sort of amorphous nothingness. Like so many others.
I am so glad I am going. Life is too short for days that become a list of things that you cant remember by the end of the day.
Actually I did read an interesting blog, that became strangely compulsive reading and I intend to buy her book, called Tout Sweet about a beauty and fashion editor who moved to France and restored a cottage there, broke up with one boyfriend, got a dog, found another crazy boyfriend who she was clearly more in love with than the first and that (somewhat ironically) is as far as I have got.... Something to look forward to for tomorrow at least.
I gave me a slight moment of worry as if that kind of life change, from west London to France whilst keeping a vaguely similar career is the stuff of books it makes my idea of continental move, complete career change and setting up my own business seem vaguely off the chart. Am I being over ambitious / ballsy or just plain idiotic? Watch this space. I am hoping I am just too ballsy to consider that it might not work? Shall we stick to that one?
[For ballsy please feel free to insert pigheaded at your discretion.]
AT LEAST I WONT BE BORED!!!!
I am so glad I am going. Life is too short for days that become a list of things that you cant remember by the end of the day.
Actually I did read an interesting blog, that became strangely compulsive reading and I intend to buy her book, called Tout Sweet about a beauty and fashion editor who moved to France and restored a cottage there, broke up with one boyfriend, got a dog, found another crazy boyfriend who she was clearly more in love with than the first and that (somewhat ironically) is as far as I have got.... Something to look forward to for tomorrow at least.
I gave me a slight moment of worry as if that kind of life change, from west London to France whilst keeping a vaguely similar career is the stuff of books it makes my idea of continental move, complete career change and setting up my own business seem vaguely off the chart. Am I being over ambitious / ballsy or just plain idiotic? Watch this space. I am hoping I am just too ballsy to consider that it might not work? Shall we stick to that one?
[For ballsy please feel free to insert pigheaded at your discretion.]
AT LEAST I WONT BE BORED!!!!
Monday, 1 August 2011
Every step of the way
Today I posted the zen den on the work intranet and the one at Goldies too and had a phenomenal amount of interest in it. I sat at work with the horrible idea of someone else living in my home for the whole day. My lovely little haven in London, where everyone always feels safe, or as Chopper calls it, the North London Waifs and Strays Hostel, as its where all my friends seem to gravitate when they are upset. I love that it has been a place of solace and welcomed so many of you as it has me. Sitting with this idea at work was heart wrenching until I came home and met one of the guys who was interested and he was lovely. Better still I could see he had fallen as in love with it as I am. Suddenly this made it all seem better, that in fact I can choose whom I rent it to, and renting it is just another opportunity to share it with people I wouldn't otherwise get the chance to meet and that it will bring them the happiness it has brought me, and they will no doubt love it too.
That's kind of what happens right? If we pour love into something everyone picks up on that and treats the thing with love. This has happened to me with horses before. The ones you take time with and adore. That you don't rush or push and allow to develop, that you don't force but rather offer them the opportunity through positive reinforcement to grow up. You give them time. Those are the horses that you sit on and you can hear them think, you know they will attempt the impossible for you, and that no matter who they go to and where they end up they will be loved and looked after as that is their only understanding of the world. Are we as humans the same? Is this what we need too? I can definitely see parallels.
How can we best support others when they need this kind of compassion? I personally have to fight the urge to be too invasive, I think (and I fight this knowledge every time I am vested in an outcome) sometimes you have to work like a horse whisperer and allow them to come to you. Do they know you are there? Supporting them even if you aren't around them? How can we hold someone's paw as Piglet so pertinently asks without the physical contact? How can we let someone else know they can be sure of us?
I received an email today that moved me to tears, not because of what it said but rather because of what it didn't say. I know how much regret and unhappiness was in that email for that person and that's not where I want them to be. I want them to be happy, to know that we are all allowed to change our minds, for them to be able to forgive themselves and to be in a good place. How can I let them know that?
To be able to have a new beginning, we need to let things go. I need to be prepared to let go of my attachment to this house to enable myself to have the new beginning I want in Mexico. I guess sometimes you just have to have faith that the love you pour into creating something will continue to be there even if you aren't physically present. You don't always need to be able to hold someones paw to be sure of them, sometimes you are just sure of them and wish they could be more sure of themselves. And even if you can't hold their paw physically you will be mentally. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.
That's kind of what happens right? If we pour love into something everyone picks up on that and treats the thing with love. This has happened to me with horses before. The ones you take time with and adore. That you don't rush or push and allow to develop, that you don't force but rather offer them the opportunity through positive reinforcement to grow up. You give them time. Those are the horses that you sit on and you can hear them think, you know they will attempt the impossible for you, and that no matter who they go to and where they end up they will be loved and looked after as that is their only understanding of the world. Are we as humans the same? Is this what we need too? I can definitely see parallels.
How can we best support others when they need this kind of compassion? I personally have to fight the urge to be too invasive, I think (and I fight this knowledge every time I am vested in an outcome) sometimes you have to work like a horse whisperer and allow them to come to you. Do they know you are there? Supporting them even if you aren't around them? How can we hold someone's paw as Piglet so pertinently asks without the physical contact? How can we let someone else know they can be sure of us?
I received an email today that moved me to tears, not because of what it said but rather because of what it didn't say. I know how much regret and unhappiness was in that email for that person and that's not where I want them to be. I want them to be happy, to know that we are all allowed to change our minds, for them to be able to forgive themselves and to be in a good place. How can I let them know that?
To be able to have a new beginning, we need to let things go. I need to be prepared to let go of my attachment to this house to enable myself to have the new beginning I want in Mexico. I guess sometimes you just have to have faith that the love you pour into creating something will continue to be there even if you aren't physically present. You don't always need to be able to hold someones paw to be sure of them, sometimes you are just sure of them and wish they could be more sure of themselves. And even if you can't hold their paw physically you will be mentally. Every. Step. Of. The. Way.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Please tell me a story.
I seem to be in a funny head space this evening. I don't really know what I want to write about. Lets see what comes up.
As you know, because I have been whinging about it, I haven't been feeling very well and today has been a bit of a culmination of that combined with trying to get ready to leave and sorting the house out. I have also been reading a wonderful book which is a form of complete and utter escapism. One of the huge positives of being an only child is that I am able to completely immerse myself in fiction and imaginary worlds. The only downside is they often become more interesting than real life. This one is certainly more interesting than touching up the woodwork around the house which has left me firmly planted in reality with paint encrusted in my hair and splodges over my arms and hands. It's a strong look.
I went in to Liberty's today, which is one of those places I will truly miss, its such a gem and no where else in the world is there a department store that compares. Everything in there is a miniature work of art and unique. I bought some beautiful note books in different shades of azure blue that remind me of the colours of the sea at X-puha to use to jot down ideas and draw. Its feeling like its getting closer to time to commit to putting things on paper, rather than playing with the ideas, and shifting them, reversing them, turning them upside down and shaking them in my head. Anyway, whilst I was paying I got talking to a couple of the members of staff. Any of you who know me are probably despairing at this quintessentially Anna behavior of speaking to anyone on the street for hours as if I have known them forever. Its a habit combined with my one of inviting strangers to join me and my friends if they are eating alone that has got me into a lot of trouble. One that used to enrage an ex-boyfriend of mine - but that's a whole other story. Sometimes however, it works brilliantly. I was telling them my plans and my ideas and they mentioned that Liberties runs the "Best of British Design Open Call" and that I should consider presenting to them when I am ready.
Its basically a forum for up and coming British designers to get advice and support from experts on how best to nurture their ideas with the best ones being stocked in Liberty. What a wonderful idea right? Whilst I am not sure this is something I want at the start, I am very keen to market the bikinis via word of mouth and if I can establish some rather unique distribution channels, I do think this could be really interesting in the longer term. Good information to have. Also brilliant to see large organisations keen to support local designers and talent. To think that if I hadn't got chatting to the sales staff I wouldn't have heard about this. So there ex-boyfriend!
(Ooooo look here is the post....) I speak to people like this because I am a sucker for a story. Hearing somebody's story is my idea of heaven. The same way I love speaking to strangers I love asking couples, especially elderly ones, the story of how they met. It's probably my favourite question. (Please lets not examine my codependency issues right now?). You see these people, who seem so settled and perhaps often slightly doddery and infirm and they transport you to their youth and these moments of extreme seething passion and feeling. Its amazing.
These experiences transcend, we all have them in common, we are all "living the human experience", but we only understand we are not alone in our experiences if we talk, if we communicate, if we tell our story and of course if we are able to listen to other peoples. Perhaps the human experience is in the sharing?
As you know, because I have been whinging about it, I haven't been feeling very well and today has been a bit of a culmination of that combined with trying to get ready to leave and sorting the house out. I have also been reading a wonderful book which is a form of complete and utter escapism. One of the huge positives of being an only child is that I am able to completely immerse myself in fiction and imaginary worlds. The only downside is they often become more interesting than real life. This one is certainly more interesting than touching up the woodwork around the house which has left me firmly planted in reality with paint encrusted in my hair and splodges over my arms and hands. It's a strong look.
I went in to Liberty's today, which is one of those places I will truly miss, its such a gem and no where else in the world is there a department store that compares. Everything in there is a miniature work of art and unique. I bought some beautiful note books in different shades of azure blue that remind me of the colours of the sea at X-puha to use to jot down ideas and draw. Its feeling like its getting closer to time to commit to putting things on paper, rather than playing with the ideas, and shifting them, reversing them, turning them upside down and shaking them in my head. Anyway, whilst I was paying I got talking to a couple of the members of staff. Any of you who know me are probably despairing at this quintessentially Anna behavior of speaking to anyone on the street for hours as if I have known them forever. Its a habit combined with my one of inviting strangers to join me and my friends if they are eating alone that has got me into a lot of trouble. One that used to enrage an ex-boyfriend of mine - but that's a whole other story. Sometimes however, it works brilliantly. I was telling them my plans and my ideas and they mentioned that Liberties runs the "Best of British Design Open Call" and that I should consider presenting to them when I am ready.
Its basically a forum for up and coming British designers to get advice and support from experts on how best to nurture their ideas with the best ones being stocked in Liberty. What a wonderful idea right? Whilst I am not sure this is something I want at the start, I am very keen to market the bikinis via word of mouth and if I can establish some rather unique distribution channels, I do think this could be really interesting in the longer term. Good information to have. Also brilliant to see large organisations keen to support local designers and talent. To think that if I hadn't got chatting to the sales staff I wouldn't have heard about this. So there ex-boyfriend!
(Ooooo look here is the post....) I speak to people like this because I am a sucker for a story. Hearing somebody's story is my idea of heaven. The same way I love speaking to strangers I love asking couples, especially elderly ones, the story of how they met. It's probably my favourite question. (Please lets not examine my codependency issues right now?). You see these people, who seem so settled and perhaps often slightly doddery and infirm and they transport you to their youth and these moments of extreme seething passion and feeling. Its amazing.
These experiences transcend, we all have them in common, we are all "living the human experience", but we only understand we are not alone in our experiences if we talk, if we communicate, if we tell our story and of course if we are able to listen to other peoples. Perhaps the human experience is in the sharing?
Saturday, 30 July 2011
31 DAYS TOMORROW!!!!
Today it dawned on me that one month tomorrow I will be leaving on a plane to Mexico to start my new life. Obviously this is something I knew. I mean I have decided and been planning to make this move, but somehow I didn't expect it to be one month away quite so soon. It was a bit of a shock. I still feel so unready and I am certain the next month is going to be a whirlwind. 31 DAYS!
There is that wonderful saying, "life is what happens when you are busy doing other things" and this is very much what my experience of being in London has been like. I have worked hard, very hard at times, partied a bit, made amazing friends, laughed and cried and loved and lost and my life has passed. How much have I actually lived and been conscious of living? Sorry that sounds so up my own ass... I think what I am actually trying to say is I wonder how much of the past six years I was actually in the present, in the now, rather than worrying about an event in the past or a possible outcome in the future. Not very much I don't expect. Its funny how we do that? Almost as if being present is too much of a burden? Too difficult? Too real? Actually I can remember very few of the things I have worried about - they clearly never really mattered or had any real bearing on anything at all. I wonder at all the things I might have achieved if I hadn't been wasting my time worrying...
What would it cost me to try to let this habit go? Oh my goodness the irony, clearly I should stop worrying that is only 31 days to go. If my above statement is correct it doesn't really matter and wont have any bearing on anything. I have made a choice. I know its the right one. I need to have faith, get on with it and stop worrying!!!
There is that wonderful saying, "life is what happens when you are busy doing other things" and this is very much what my experience of being in London has been like. I have worked hard, very hard at times, partied a bit, made amazing friends, laughed and cried and loved and lost and my life has passed. How much have I actually lived and been conscious of living? Sorry that sounds so up my own ass... I think what I am actually trying to say is I wonder how much of the past six years I was actually in the present, in the now, rather than worrying about an event in the past or a possible outcome in the future. Not very much I don't expect. Its funny how we do that? Almost as if being present is too much of a burden? Too difficult? Too real? Actually I can remember very few of the things I have worried about - they clearly never really mattered or had any real bearing on anything at all. I wonder at all the things I might have achieved if I hadn't been wasting my time worrying...
What would it cost me to try to let this habit go? Oh my goodness the irony, clearly I should stop worrying that is only 31 days to go. If my above statement is correct it doesn't really matter and wont have any bearing on anything. I have made a choice. I know its the right one. I need to have faith, get on with it and stop worrying!!!
Friday, 29 July 2011
Practise. Practise. Practise.
I am sick. Or getting sick and have been at work today spending most of the day feeling like I want to pass out. You think perhaps my body is trying to tell me something?
I am physically and emotionally exhausted and not sleeping very well. I need to rest and regroup. Part of me feels like this might not be possible until I get to Mexico and leave some of the stuff behind. I feel like I have a lot of background noise in my subconscious right now. Make any sense? I cant wait for my life to become a little simpler.
This week I realised how many things I would love to have in my life but that have been on hold as a result of living and being in London. I can get a puppy if I want, for example, not suggesting for the moment that I am going to do this, but the point is I will have the option and the time. It's something I wouldn't feel able to do if I carried on with my life here - it wouldn't be fair on the dog, and suddenly now its an option. It has made me realise there are literally hundreds of things I haven't been doing that I would like to do because the don't work with my current life. The realisation that I am now able to choose again is incredible. Things I had even forgotten or blocked out that I wanted.
Someone spoke to me this week about synchronicity, and it does feel like the more I am following my heart on what to do the more things are melding together and aligning. Parts of my life are tying together and even the people I am meeting and speaking to, well the group is evolving to include more and more kindred spirits. Its amazing to observe and gives me, I don't know, gives me hope? Maintains my faith? It gives me something pretty awesome anyway.
I don't know if as a reader there are recurring themes in this journey to you so far but it feels like there are some to me and I kind of want to regroup them here, not just because my brain is fried but also because I do feel like I am achieving something by writing this and I want to highlight the different topics and perhaps more importantly, note the ones I am avoiding(?) Intention and belief being the biggest one and the one that I think I am going to be tested on the most in the coming year. Letting go and moving on. Admitting when something isn't working and being prepared to change. Compassion and honesty - which this week has been more about me vocalising my feelings clearly than anything else. Friendships, relationships, love and communication in general. Balance. The biggest one I haven't touched on, not really in any event, faith.
Like the yoga, for all of these things I just need to PRACTISE. Keep the intention and keep practising.
Like the first yoga sutra Atha Yoganushasanam with translated means:
Atha - now, Yoga - science of Yoga, Anushasanam - Discipline or set of instructions
OR
Now, (start with) the discipline of yoga.
I am physically and emotionally exhausted and not sleeping very well. I need to rest and regroup. Part of me feels like this might not be possible until I get to Mexico and leave some of the stuff behind. I feel like I have a lot of background noise in my subconscious right now. Make any sense? I cant wait for my life to become a little simpler.
This week I realised how many things I would love to have in my life but that have been on hold as a result of living and being in London. I can get a puppy if I want, for example, not suggesting for the moment that I am going to do this, but the point is I will have the option and the time. It's something I wouldn't feel able to do if I carried on with my life here - it wouldn't be fair on the dog, and suddenly now its an option. It has made me realise there are literally hundreds of things I haven't been doing that I would like to do because the don't work with my current life. The realisation that I am now able to choose again is incredible. Things I had even forgotten or blocked out that I wanted.
Someone spoke to me this week about synchronicity, and it does feel like the more I am following my heart on what to do the more things are melding together and aligning. Parts of my life are tying together and even the people I am meeting and speaking to, well the group is evolving to include more and more kindred spirits. Its amazing to observe and gives me, I don't know, gives me hope? Maintains my faith? It gives me something pretty awesome anyway.
I don't know if as a reader there are recurring themes in this journey to you so far but it feels like there are some to me and I kind of want to regroup them here, not just because my brain is fried but also because I do feel like I am achieving something by writing this and I want to highlight the different topics and perhaps more importantly, note the ones I am avoiding(?) Intention and belief being the biggest one and the one that I think I am going to be tested on the most in the coming year. Letting go and moving on. Admitting when something isn't working and being prepared to change. Compassion and honesty - which this week has been more about me vocalising my feelings clearly than anything else. Friendships, relationships, love and communication in general. Balance. The biggest one I haven't touched on, not really in any event, faith.
Like the yoga, for all of these things I just need to PRACTISE. Keep the intention and keep practising.
Like the first yoga sutra Atha Yoganushasanam with translated means:
Atha - now, Yoga - science of Yoga, Anushasanam - Discipline or set of instructions
OR
Now, (start with) the discipline of yoga.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
It's not a circle it's a star.
I am making big changes in my life. This no longer feels like a choice or an option, but absolutely the thing to do. I am scared. I am nervous but I am excited and I can't wait. I want to see how it all pans out. The other side of this is these changes have been prompted by several causes. I have had three very difficult years at a personal level and as this time has passed it has been increasingly clear to me who supports me when I need it and frankly who doesn't. The people who are in my life who give to me as much as I give to them, the people who give me more and the ones I give more to. Most of the time I am incredibly supportive of others and try to be there for everyone as much as possible however, at times, when I wobble, I just cant and at those times it always becomes very clear to me who it is who really supports me. Its often not who I expect nor how I expect. To those of you that do I am eternally grateful. Thank you.
I think we all struggle with this, and as we get older it becomes clearer that we look for quality not quantity in the relationships we have. There seems to be a misconception that friendships should always be equal. Sadly this isn't the case, some friendships (like the animals in Orwell's animal farm) are more equal than others. Of course the beauty of all relationships is that they are dynamic: at one time one of us gives a little more; at another time the other does. But we all know someone, who no matter what, it always comes back to them. I feel for these people I really do, and I am very aware that with some of you I do it myself. Kate, you are my beacon of hope. Always. It is something I have struggled with understanding until another fabulous friend of mine explained "its not a circle, its a star but at the end of the day it balances out". Some people will give you more, others you will give more to, but at the end of the day it evens out and effectively you are just paying it forward.
I was going to post more, but actually I like this thought to end on. Everyone shining like stars. So cheesy but kinda nice.
My yoga teacher posted something lovely today, and it seems appropriate here, for everyone I can be sure of.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh. "Pooh" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”
I think we all struggle with this, and as we get older it becomes clearer that we look for quality not quantity in the relationships we have. There seems to be a misconception that friendships should always be equal. Sadly this isn't the case, some friendships (like the animals in Orwell's animal farm) are more equal than others. Of course the beauty of all relationships is that they are dynamic: at one time one of us gives a little more; at another time the other does. But we all know someone, who no matter what, it always comes back to them. I feel for these people I really do, and I am very aware that with some of you I do it myself. Kate, you are my beacon of hope. Always. It is something I have struggled with understanding until another fabulous friend of mine explained "its not a circle, its a star but at the end of the day it balances out". Some people will give you more, others you will give more to, but at the end of the day it evens out and effectively you are just paying it forward.
I was going to post more, but actually I like this thought to end on. Everyone shining like stars. So cheesy but kinda nice.
My yoga teacher posted something lovely today, and it seems appropriate here, for everyone I can be sure of.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh. "Pooh" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw, "I just wanted to be sure of you."”
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
TINY POST IN WILD EXCITEMENT
One of my favourite bloggers Katherine Jenkins is now a follower of my blog. I have been addicted to her blog Lessons from the Monk I married for some time now. AMAZING!!! Have had to have a pre bed dance around the room :)
Steve - this one is for you - enjoy your coffee!!! and I hope you have an amazing day!
OK I am back. Sorry for the two days sans post. I do intend to post everyday however the last two days have been especially draining and although I come up with great blog ideas during the day I (a) don't like them by the time I get home and (b) feel too guilty about doing it at work (Chopper - hope you are reading this and noting how diligent I am being... FYI Chopper is my incredibly cool boss). Plus I have a brilliant excuse... honest!
(Blogging is amazing - even in that sentence I can think of about three things I want to expand on.)
I think the reason I don't like my blog ideas by the time I get home and to bed is because the energy of day inexorably and inexplicably shifts and warps them, and my experience of the day consolidates and by the time I get to blogging time (just before bed) they have either morphed into something completely different or no longer seem relevant. Perhaps I need to experiment with writing at different times of day and see how that affects the blog vibe? There is something about the lull of the night and sitting in bed staring at the screen that is amazing though and part of me is loath to give that up and sacrifice it to a more hectic time. I sort of feel that at this time I get to "put the day to bed" - make sense?
Where was I?
Oh yeah the dog ate my homework....
No my brilliant excuse / what I actually want to talk about... [I have now finished this post and it really didn't go where I thought it would at this point.]
I am really good at rules. I like them. They make me comfortable and safe and as a result I LOVE them - until someone else tries to enforce them - then out comes my defiance - PER CHING!
Things like hanging my clothes a certain way, or following a set routine are really easy for me. I just make it a rule and thereby absolve myself of the responsibility I have for my daily choices. They simplify my world. It has crossed my mind I might do this in relationships too.... Either way, clearly writing a night time blog post could easily become the same thing for me. Another rule I follow. I am conscious that this habit of making things a rule and doing them without thinking about it is a habit I want to break. I want to make more conscious choices about every aspect of my life. Often I think getting into these habits stops me being flexible, stops me making the best choices and perhaps most of all I start of doing something I enjoy, and it eventually becomes an instrument of self flagellation - another should or must - rather than a pleasure.
Does anyone else do this? or I am just the weirdo rocking away humming to myself quietly in the corner? Keen to know.
So (brace yourself as this is the staggering genius of my argument) I didn't post for two days as an exercise in the above and more so, as a way of showing myself some compassion (ahem *cough *splutter).
"Compassion" is a word I so often hear bandied about and its been rearing its head at me all day today. What does it actually mean? Does it mean giving yourself or other people a break? Or is that just letting someone off the hook? Is it a case of not what you do but the way that you do it? Is it a matter of the intent behind the action? Is it case of sometimes stepping up and telling someone the uncomfortable truth they would rather not hear - and if that is the case how can you be sure that its actually motivated by kindness rather than someone just doing something you don't like and you want to make them stop?
I think its something I have to show myself more of. Actually, why do we talk about it that way "showing compassion"? It sounds almost like a visual art. Surely compassion can still be there even if its unseen - or is it something that only becomes valid once its perceived by the person its shown to? I don't think so personally.... but I do feel like there is a certain stigma in our society to be seen by our peers to be compassionate though even if we might not always genuinely feel it (just me again right?).
I am not sure how best to show myself compassion right now: but I am pretty certain building up some lie about not blogging as an exercise in showing my self more of it is NOT the right way to go. I didn't blog because I didn't want to - end of. Perhaps not allowing myself (and you) the luxury of that lie is the first step in actually being compassionate with myself. Perhaps the real compassion is in the honesty?
(Blogging is amazing - even in that sentence I can think of about three things I want to expand on.)
I think the reason I don't like my blog ideas by the time I get home and to bed is because the energy of day inexorably and inexplicably shifts and warps them, and my experience of the day consolidates and by the time I get to blogging time (just before bed) they have either morphed into something completely different or no longer seem relevant. Perhaps I need to experiment with writing at different times of day and see how that affects the blog vibe? There is something about the lull of the night and sitting in bed staring at the screen that is amazing though and part of me is loath to give that up and sacrifice it to a more hectic time. I sort of feel that at this time I get to "put the day to bed" - make sense?
Where was I?
Oh yeah the dog ate my homework....
No my brilliant excuse / what I actually want to talk about... [I have now finished this post and it really didn't go where I thought it would at this point.]
I am really good at rules. I like them. They make me comfortable and safe and as a result I LOVE them - until someone else tries to enforce them - then out comes my defiance - PER CHING!
Things like hanging my clothes a certain way, or following a set routine are really easy for me. I just make it a rule and thereby absolve myself of the responsibility I have for my daily choices. They simplify my world. It has crossed my mind I might do this in relationships too.... Either way, clearly writing a night time blog post could easily become the same thing for me. Another rule I follow. I am conscious that this habit of making things a rule and doing them without thinking about it is a habit I want to break. I want to make more conscious choices about every aspect of my life. Often I think getting into these habits stops me being flexible, stops me making the best choices and perhaps most of all I start of doing something I enjoy, and it eventually becomes an instrument of self flagellation - another should or must - rather than a pleasure.
Does anyone else do this? or I am just the weirdo rocking away humming to myself quietly in the corner? Keen to know.
So (brace yourself as this is the staggering genius of my argument) I didn't post for two days as an exercise in the above and more so, as a way of showing myself some compassion (ahem *cough *splutter).
"Compassion" is a word I so often hear bandied about and its been rearing its head at me all day today. What does it actually mean? Does it mean giving yourself or other people a break? Or is that just letting someone off the hook? Is it a case of not what you do but the way that you do it? Is it a matter of the intent behind the action? Is it case of sometimes stepping up and telling someone the uncomfortable truth they would rather not hear - and if that is the case how can you be sure that its actually motivated by kindness rather than someone just doing something you don't like and you want to make them stop?
I think its something I have to show myself more of. Actually, why do we talk about it that way "showing compassion"? It sounds almost like a visual art. Surely compassion can still be there even if its unseen - or is it something that only becomes valid once its perceived by the person its shown to? I don't think so personally.... but I do feel like there is a certain stigma in our society to be seen by our peers to be compassionate though even if we might not always genuinely feel it (just me again right?).
I am not sure how best to show myself compassion right now: but I am pretty certain building up some lie about not blogging as an exercise in showing my self more of it is NOT the right way to go. I didn't blog because I didn't want to - end of. Perhaps not allowing myself (and you) the luxury of that lie is the first step in actually being compassionate with myself. Perhaps the real compassion is in the honesty?
Sunday, 24 July 2011
As usual today I had lots of great moments thinking about things I wanted to post about. Obviously now I am having trouble deciding...
I met a cool girl who loved the bikini idea in Sweaty Betty and spent some time discussing how I want to make high end bikinis with less fabric than a chintz sofa that don't look like you should be in a porno and you still feel like you can do stuff in without running the risk of slipping out of them. I want them to cater to a more cosmopolitan market than the Fulham and Balham nappy valley favourite Heidi Klein - bikinis that European women would also consider buying. Not that HK don't do a great job - they do and have completely revolutionised swimwear for a portion of the uk population as well as making the shopping experience far more pleasurable with their lovely stores and changing rooms that don't make you look like some sort of battery farmed poultry as you try things on. Its just that I want to do something different. Everyday the concept and idea of what I want to so solidifies and crystallises in my head a little more. Becomes a little more concrete and a little more real. Its very exciting. I have started to think colours and actual points of the design but I think whats most important to me is that feel good on, are super comfortable and super flexible and give whoever is wearing them confidence and lots of different options in how they wear them. I want to build in the slights of eye that detract from the areas we all like a little less and enhance the ones we like a little more. Watch this space.
I got out of bed this morning hurting in places I didn't know could hurt (or had forgotten). I have missed Ellen yoga. Today has been an interesting day as the yoga I did yesterday has settled and been absorbed by my body. Actually, my body is screaming for another class. Roll on September 1st.... My legs feel about 5 inches longer and my ass - well that's just a whole new level of ache. It's good but has brought up a lot of different emotions and feelings and somehow today I have been sucked into them a little more rather than just being able to observe them.
One of the saddest things I think is how when a relationship breaks down communication that previously would have been so natural and easy becomes more complicated and less straight forward. I have been thinking about this a lot today. Not sure if this was something that came up for me because of the Yoga or not but its been glaring at me in the face all day. It's to do with speaking to the most wonderful person who has played such a large roll in giving me the courage to embark on this journey and I am incredibly grateful to them for that, but we seem to be at a point where what we are choosing not to say speaks more than the words we do say. I wish that wasn't the case as I miss them dreadfully. It's rare, or at least rare for me, to have someone touch my soul and make me want to open up to them. Although I post all sorts of drivel on this it feels much more anonymous to me than actually discussing this with any of you in person and I am actually pretty private and reserved about stuff that really matters to me. But this brings me to another point. Words are incredibly powerful. We often underestimate them so much and I know I for one do not use them nearly mindfully enough. Two events this weekend, both devastatingly sad, have prompted verbal responses that have really touched me.
Firstly the events in Norway. Horrific. We are all Norwegian this week. I have been reading the words of the Norwegian Prime Minister today and they are very poignant and definitely worth a look (below):
This is obviously written for a devastating and horrific attack but there are such messages of courage and bravery in his words that I think we (I certainly) could all use a little of them in every aspect of our lives. The message that we should face our fears, and not let them cow us, that we should maintain our values regardless and despite of our fears and our losses, we should become more resolute in our values and uphold them more as a result, that we should show compassion to others, who might be worse off, when we are in these times of difficulty and extend even more humanity as the solution. So true. So simple.
The other thing I have read this weekend that has really moved me and changed the way I view the world a little bit is Russell Brand's essay to Amy Winehouse. It's clearly a touching tribute to a much loved friend from someone who has both witnessed and experienced a similar struggle and is really worth a read. Absolutely beautifully written too. He highlights how badly we deal with addiction as a society, the lack of support and understanding that is given to addicts and their families, and as he points out - there will be a phone call - as the loved one of a person with an addiction you just hope its going to be them, rather than someone else saying its too late. Anyone who has ever has a addict as a friend will know exactly how hard this is and how absolutely heart wrenching it can be to witness especially as the will to recover it has to come from them.
http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/
Now having read through this my opening paragraphs seem so trite, but I guess this whole post comes down to communication. Life is far too short. Beautiful but short. Make the call if you need to make the call. And I hope if you are the person waiting, the person you love calls you.
I met a cool girl who loved the bikini idea in Sweaty Betty and spent some time discussing how I want to make high end bikinis with less fabric than a chintz sofa that don't look like you should be in a porno and you still feel like you can do stuff in without running the risk of slipping out of them. I want them to cater to a more cosmopolitan market than the Fulham and Balham nappy valley favourite Heidi Klein - bikinis that European women would also consider buying. Not that HK don't do a great job - they do and have completely revolutionised swimwear for a portion of the uk population as well as making the shopping experience far more pleasurable with their lovely stores and changing rooms that don't make you look like some sort of battery farmed poultry as you try things on. Its just that I want to do something different. Everyday the concept and idea of what I want to so solidifies and crystallises in my head a little more. Becomes a little more concrete and a little more real. Its very exciting. I have started to think colours and actual points of the design but I think whats most important to me is that feel good on, are super comfortable and super flexible and give whoever is wearing them confidence and lots of different options in how they wear them. I want to build in the slights of eye that detract from the areas we all like a little less and enhance the ones we like a little more. Watch this space.
I got out of bed this morning hurting in places I didn't know could hurt (or had forgotten). I have missed Ellen yoga. Today has been an interesting day as the yoga I did yesterday has settled and been absorbed by my body. Actually, my body is screaming for another class. Roll on September 1st.... My legs feel about 5 inches longer and my ass - well that's just a whole new level of ache. It's good but has brought up a lot of different emotions and feelings and somehow today I have been sucked into them a little more rather than just being able to observe them.
One of the saddest things I think is how when a relationship breaks down communication that previously would have been so natural and easy becomes more complicated and less straight forward. I have been thinking about this a lot today. Not sure if this was something that came up for me because of the Yoga or not but its been glaring at me in the face all day. It's to do with speaking to the most wonderful person who has played such a large roll in giving me the courage to embark on this journey and I am incredibly grateful to them for that, but we seem to be at a point where what we are choosing not to say speaks more than the words we do say. I wish that wasn't the case as I miss them dreadfully. It's rare, or at least rare for me, to have someone touch my soul and make me want to open up to them. Although I post all sorts of drivel on this it feels much more anonymous to me than actually discussing this with any of you in person and I am actually pretty private and reserved about stuff that really matters to me. But this brings me to another point. Words are incredibly powerful. We often underestimate them so much and I know I for one do not use them nearly mindfully enough. Two events this weekend, both devastatingly sad, have prompted verbal responses that have really touched me.
Firstly the events in Norway. Horrific. We are all Norwegian this week. I have been reading the words of the Norwegian Prime Minister today and they are very poignant and definitely worth a look (below):
“Today Norway was hit by two shocking and bloody and cowardly attacks.
We still do not know who attacked us; much is still uncertain.
But we know that many are dead and injured.
We are all shocked at the evil that has struck us so brutally and so suddenly
This night demands much of all of us.
And the days that follow will demand even more
We are prepared to face up to this.
Norway hangs together during critical times.
We mourn our dead, we suffer with the injured, and we comfort relatives.
This is about attacks on innocent civilians, on young people at summer camp.
An attack on all of us.
I have a message to the people who attacked us, and those behind them.
This is a message from all of Norway:
You will not destroy us.
You will not destroy our democracy nor our quest for a better world.
We are a small nation, but we are a proud nation.
No one shall bomb us into silence or shoot us into silence.
Nothing will frighten us out of being Norway.
This night we will comfort each other, talk with each other, and stand together.
Tomorrow we will show the world that Norway’s democracy grows stronger when it is challenged.
We shall find the guilty and hold them responsible.
The important thing tonight is to save lives, to care for the victims and their loved ones
I would like to state my recognition for the work of the police, the medics,
and all the other people who currently do such formidable work
to help others, healing injures and saving lives.
We must never cease to stand up for our values.
We have to show that our open society can pass this test, too,
And that the answer to violence is even more democracy,
even more humanity, but never naïveté.
”
This is obviously written for a devastating and horrific attack but there are such messages of courage and bravery in his words that I think we (I certainly) could all use a little of them in every aspect of our lives. The message that we should face our fears, and not let them cow us, that we should maintain our values regardless and despite of our fears and our losses, we should become more resolute in our values and uphold them more as a result, that we should show compassion to others, who might be worse off, when we are in these times of difficulty and extend even more humanity as the solution. So true. So simple.
The other thing I have read this weekend that has really moved me and changed the way I view the world a little bit is Russell Brand's essay to Amy Winehouse. It's clearly a touching tribute to a much loved friend from someone who has both witnessed and experienced a similar struggle and is really worth a read. Absolutely beautifully written too. He highlights how badly we deal with addiction as a society, the lack of support and understanding that is given to addicts and their families, and as he points out - there will be a phone call - as the loved one of a person with an addiction you just hope its going to be them, rather than someone else saying its too late. Anyone who has ever has a addict as a friend will know exactly how hard this is and how absolutely heart wrenching it can be to witness especially as the will to recover it has to come from them.
http://www.russellbrand.tv/2011/07/for-amy/
Now having read through this my opening paragraphs seem so trite, but I guess this whole post comes down to communication. Life is far too short. Beautiful but short. Make the call if you need to make the call. And I hope if you are the person waiting, the person you love calls you.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Yoga magic in Paris
So I am back from an amazing day of yoga in Paris with my Mum. Thank you Benny for organising it.
Ellen, my yoga teacher, the best yoga teacher in the world ever ever ever, was there and taught us the most brilliant class. Somehow Ellen always seems to teach the class I need the most. I was hoping we were going to do heart openers today as I thought that was what I needed. Instead we did hips, which I realised the moment she said it was what I needed more than oxygen.
I am not sure how many of you practise yoga, but basically hips are where we store all our emotional hurts and past. It is the deepest practise getting into your hip joints and can bring up a lot of stored emotions and memories. Like Ellen said today, anything from the waist down is effectively shit, by that meaning stuff you need to expel and get rid of (be it quite literally shit, a child, a menstruation or stored emotions), so generally during a hips class you might feel uncomfortable, but afterwards as you have released so much stored waste and toxins you feel much lighter and pretty wonderful.
It was brilliant. The ebb and flow of breath through the sun salutations, the dance of it, and into the deeper asnas. I actually enjoyed some of the hip opener binds (normally I hate them) and managed to do some poses I didn't think I was or would be able to. I didn't feel like I had a huge attachment to doing them or not and for the first time really was able to observe how my body felt and what was going on with it. Result: I did things I wouldn't have thought I could do, and whilst I am writing about them here, I don't really mind that I could do them and wouldn't have minded if I couldn't. The yoga for me today wasn't what I did or didn't do, but rather how I did it. I was present, unattached to the outcome and as a result my soul soared. This was a first for me. I have missed this kind of practise so much and I cannot wait to be able to do it everyday in just over a month.
In this magnificent room in the American Church along the banks of the Seine magic happened today. Thank you to everyone who was there for the alchemy.
We then all went for a boozy Parisian lunch and Mum and I then headed to La Durree for an afternoon of serious macaroon tasting. I LOVE PARIS. I LOVE THE FRENCH. I LOVE THE LANGUAGE. I LOVE THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO LIVE. I LOVED TODAY.
I was also in awe of Mum today. She has back pain and was operated on a few years ago but she came and threw herself bravely into the yoga class. Ellen's classes are hardcore even if you are well and fit and pain free. Mum practised like a true yogi. Respectfully and mindfully with kindness and with gratitude. I felt very lucky to be able to share it with her and I think we both left reassured that I am doing the right thing by doing the teacher training. Also, and even better and more important, my mothers back pain and pins and needles had disappeared by the end of the class and looking at her this evening she looks completely different. Much more relaxed and positively glowing.
So much brilliant, wonderful stuff happened today I haven't even scraped the surface. Today is going to be a day I remember for the rest of my life. YAY for the yoga magic. I am the only girl who even after an afternoon at La Durree has left Paris with her butt a good five inches higher then when she arrived. Yogarama to you all and good night xxx
Ellen, my yoga teacher, the best yoga teacher in the world ever ever ever, was there and taught us the most brilliant class. Somehow Ellen always seems to teach the class I need the most. I was hoping we were going to do heart openers today as I thought that was what I needed. Instead we did hips, which I realised the moment she said it was what I needed more than oxygen.
I am not sure how many of you practise yoga, but basically hips are where we store all our emotional hurts and past. It is the deepest practise getting into your hip joints and can bring up a lot of stored emotions and memories. Like Ellen said today, anything from the waist down is effectively shit, by that meaning stuff you need to expel and get rid of (be it quite literally shit, a child, a menstruation or stored emotions), so generally during a hips class you might feel uncomfortable, but afterwards as you have released so much stored waste and toxins you feel much lighter and pretty wonderful.
It was brilliant. The ebb and flow of breath through the sun salutations, the dance of it, and into the deeper asnas. I actually enjoyed some of the hip opener binds (normally I hate them) and managed to do some poses I didn't think I was or would be able to. I didn't feel like I had a huge attachment to doing them or not and for the first time really was able to observe how my body felt and what was going on with it. Result: I did things I wouldn't have thought I could do, and whilst I am writing about them here, I don't really mind that I could do them and wouldn't have minded if I couldn't. The yoga for me today wasn't what I did or didn't do, but rather how I did it. I was present, unattached to the outcome and as a result my soul soared. This was a first for me. I have missed this kind of practise so much and I cannot wait to be able to do it everyday in just over a month.
In this magnificent room in the American Church along the banks of the Seine magic happened today. Thank you to everyone who was there for the alchemy.
We then all went for a boozy Parisian lunch and Mum and I then headed to La Durree for an afternoon of serious macaroon tasting. I LOVE PARIS. I LOVE THE FRENCH. I LOVE THE LANGUAGE. I LOVE THAT THEY KNOW HOW TO LIVE. I LOVED TODAY.
I was also in awe of Mum today. She has back pain and was operated on a few years ago but she came and threw herself bravely into the yoga class. Ellen's classes are hardcore even if you are well and fit and pain free. Mum practised like a true yogi. Respectfully and mindfully with kindness and with gratitude. I felt very lucky to be able to share it with her and I think we both left reassured that I am doing the right thing by doing the teacher training. Also, and even better and more important, my mothers back pain and pins and needles had disappeared by the end of the class and looking at her this evening she looks completely different. Much more relaxed and positively glowing.
So much brilliant, wonderful stuff happened today I haven't even scraped the surface. Today is going to be a day I remember for the rest of my life. YAY for the yoga magic. I am the only girl who even after an afternoon at La Durree has left Paris with her butt a good five inches higher then when she arrived. Yogarama to you all and good night xxx
Friday, 22 July 2011
Its funny how the moment you know you are leaving a place you start to see it differently and miss it already almost before you go.
Perhaps because it was sunny for almost the first time this year, or perhaps as it was my first summer stroll through the city this evening I found myself loving it and missing it. I will always regret not having been one of those intrepid London warriors - the commuter cyclists - who hiss and whizz through the London streets against the odds. A cult unto themselves. I met a wonderful friend who is always able to make me laugh at myself, the most precious of gifts, for swift drink and then one of my most special and wonderful girlfriends for drinks and dinner.
Afterwards I walked home, through the city. Along Poultry, down Threadneddle, past the Bank of England and along Moorgate. Even the names sound magical. They transport me to the land of historical novels, Grace Church Street as mentioned in Pride and Prejudice and the Cheap mentioned in every novel about London I think I have ever read. They form part of the mantra that define this city. As I walked along from Moorgate to Old Street I walked past the cemetery there and its pervasive scent of damp and dank sank across the road. Its a smell I associate only with English woodland and seems to carry in it a sense of stillness that moves out and hangs on the busy London street outside, I must go and explore it properly, with a camera, before I go.
Ok, sorry I have been distracted from the blog by a long conversation with Alex about out phat pad in playa and then bikinis for a music festival and bouncing ideas around about what to do for that. Inspiring.
Tomorrow I am in Paris for yoga with Ellen. I cannot wait. Recentering. Much needed, and now to rest. Better post tomorrow I promise.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
When you listen amazing things happen... or are we nearly there yet...
I feel like I have two alternative posts tonight.... which one to pick??? One actually still feels a little premature and they are both related... ok here goes, option A!
When you listen and then act amazing things happen.... who knew? On the back of yesterdays post I decided to do a little experimenting.... and test the theory of listening to the message the universe was trying to give me and doing it - rather than my normal MO of waiting until its the only possible option left available. Please lets not examine why I think this is an intelligent MO to use to live my life now... its not the only possible option left - what can I say - old habits die hard...
Anyway, I tested the theory, put aside my ego (some of it anyway - the not so helpful bit that is partly my pride and partly that horrible little voice in my head that says you cant do this, it wont work, you will fall flat on your face) and acted. I showed I had the passion to pay the price as Sheila calls it or Shraddha (faith that you are moving in the right direction) or perhaps it was more a case of Virya (positive energy of ego that is the support for the faith of going in the right direction). Either way it worked. Better than I could have expected. I am a convert. I managed to cause an intention to manifest. AMAZING.
I realise this next year is going to be full of similar challenges, where things wont seem possible, and I will have to fall back on to this technique again and again. I will have to commit to my dreams, understand and appreciate what I am trying to achieve, be prepared to act to uphold these dreams, to be prepared to do things that are new and scary for me and to do things differently... and then I have to hold my focus. It sounds simple. It looks straight forward. After today's experiment I know it isn't. Its hard. Its a matter of doing something when that nasty little voice of fear in your head is screaming at you to do the opposite. But, the return is HUGE.
So here is to learning how to manifest intentions, to learning to listen and act on the feedback you get as the results are amazing. The thing is, once something has manifested the next one appears, therein the beauty... but I do feel a little bit like a child on a car journey wondering - are we nearly there yet....? I want it now.
What can I say, I am a work in progress...
When you listen and then act amazing things happen.... who knew? On the back of yesterdays post I decided to do a little experimenting.... and test the theory of listening to the message the universe was trying to give me and doing it - rather than my normal MO of waiting until its the only possible option left available. Please lets not examine why I think this is an intelligent MO to use to live my life now... its not the only possible option left - what can I say - old habits die hard...
Anyway, I tested the theory, put aside my ego (some of it anyway - the not so helpful bit that is partly my pride and partly that horrible little voice in my head that says you cant do this, it wont work, you will fall flat on your face) and acted. I showed I had the passion to pay the price as Sheila calls it or Shraddha (faith that you are moving in the right direction) or perhaps it was more a case of Virya (positive energy of ego that is the support for the faith of going in the right direction). Either way it worked. Better than I could have expected. I am a convert. I managed to cause an intention to manifest. AMAZING.
I realise this next year is going to be full of similar challenges, where things wont seem possible, and I will have to fall back on to this technique again and again. I will have to commit to my dreams, understand and appreciate what I am trying to achieve, be prepared to act to uphold these dreams, to be prepared to do things that are new and scary for me and to do things differently... and then I have to hold my focus. It sounds simple. It looks straight forward. After today's experiment I know it isn't. Its hard. Its a matter of doing something when that nasty little voice of fear in your head is screaming at you to do the opposite. But, the return is HUGE.
So here is to learning how to manifest intentions, to learning to listen and act on the feedback you get as the results are amazing. The thing is, once something has manifested the next one appears, therein the beauty... but I do feel a little bit like a child on a car journey wondering - are we nearly there yet....? I want it now.
What can I say, I am a work in progress...
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